familiar.

I've had this feeling before, but it wasn't the same. The music was similar, but not so familiar.
There's always going to be inevitable comparisons in my head and I recognize that..
But I have something so much better than what I ever expected.
I won't let myself run away anymore or push anyone away.
If there was any outcome I'd be thankful for, it'd be that.
I dropped my mom off at the airport today. She'll be gone for 8 days, then back for a few, then gone again for another month in Europe.
I cried when I dropped her off, and remembered how she was doing the same thing when I came home and left so many times...going back to school in Utah...moving out..moving back in,etc.
I love my mom.

People keep moving in and out of my life.
Oh well.
You're not my problem, anymore.




We're all self-conscious,
I'm just the first to admit it.

things are different now.

i hardly know what to write in here anymore.

the things that used to bother me cease to even matter;

it's like i have a different set of eyes.

anyways, i'm sick.. as if nobody knew that. staying home feels pretty nice though for a change. i still hardly watch tv, which is so weird, because when i first came home all i did was watch tv. now, my days are filled with activities such as listening to music, getting music, making candy, cleaning, hanging out with my cool mom and of course talking to a certain special somebody (; see? things are a bit different. i like it though. the sun's starting shine more everyday and i LOVE it.

i went to cvs yesterday to get my antibiotics with my mom and i asked her to buy me some nicorette for the time being because my throat's too sore to even smoke. so this is what happens:

we get in line and we're about to go up to the cashier girl that JUST sold me cigarettes yesterday, but instead we go up to this fairly old lady with those spectacle-type lookin glasses. my mom says, "can i have a box of nicorette...for my daughter please?"

me: MOM!!! -_____-

mom: what?!

me: why'd you have to say 'for my daughter!?!' now they're gonna think we're weirdos.

mom: oh... whoops. sorry honey :]

if you were only there to see this.

so yeah, basically my mom and i are like super close now...but also, i've been having these crazyass mood swings and they're scaring the fuck out of us. it's happened twice in the last 2 days and both times i've flipped out i started crying hysterically both times.

i almost think this blog is too personal and i'm not about to publish it. but...

i already know the people who actually care won't judge me.

this is me.

you're the one that chooses to read it.

nonetheless, i love life. & i love music.

:]

lastfm; looking through the charts... last7days;last3mos;last6mos. really describes how life has been for me. the phases. the times. the way i've felt. it may seem cheesy..but that's how it is. take a look.

they made it far too easy to believe

that true romance can't be achieved these days.

determined.

i just realized how many losers have come & gone in the past three months.



finally! somebody real.


lucky me :]



okay i'm gonna go to sleep now...hopefully.



i'm not a popsicle,
i won't melt away!

i knew i'd make you laugh
d:

for the love of music.

Only one [;


<3





I can't even write about this right now...
I'll be back when I have the words to say.

what?

Do I do? Now?!




Please just be with me?
Eyes are shutting.


Is this goodnight world?

true love.

things that are guaranteed to always make me feel better:

1. music.
2. smiles from a loved one.
3. laughter.
4. maryjane.
5. tink.
6. hugs.
7. writing.
8. sitting outside with a cigarette.
9. a good talk with an old friend.
10. a good talk with any friend.
11. love, love, love.



and there's more.

i just wanted to say that if you are in my life, then i love you. i really do. you have made me who i am right now.


i am a butterflyyyy.
<3

and we just keep talking...

so, how random has life been lately?


I FUCKING love it though.
i am happy :]
& you cannot/will not take that away from me.


yesterday i had to take this like placement exam for Coba and i felt like a fucking idiot cos i didn't understand shit.
no school for two months ftl.
WOW. i did not expect that shit to happen. i hardly knew how to use a pencil!


but to put it quite simply,
life's good.
& i am a lucky girl with the best family & friends.


AND IT'S A BEAUTIFUL FUCKING DAY!
again!




ps. i love music, maryjane, tink, dancing, lights & my friends :]





* * * *

maybe..for some fucked up reason, this was all supposed to happen, for me to find all this. maybe i had to experience what you did and didn't give me in order to see what i really do deserve. darling, i was so sprung over you and you didnt care. and now it's my turn. i've finally found someone who cares.


so, right now. i am finally thanking you.
youve taught me everything i never want again.

suddenly.

it's kind of like when good meets the bad.



i feel like i'm falling off my bed right now. earlier i had a sudden spark of inspiration, but it suddenly disappeared. it's weird how those kind of things happen. sometimes i feel like my life has turned into this endless cycle. it's not that i even hate the cycle--in fact, i love it. it's just hard to pay attention to every little thing. i feel sorta bad when people are trying to talk to me and for some reason they can't get to me...it's almost like sometimes i lose track of where i am. lonely with a crowd of people. all these silhouettes crowd my vision--nameless faces. i'm sorry i won't remember this. [but there is one thing i will/do remember] the people i know have been next to me/with me, this whole time.



there are always those times where we feel pretty alone. it's not even necessarily a bad thing, when i'm alone. i know i get a lot of things done, and a lot of thinking too. sometimes i start to feel like i'm even better off on my own. but then a good night with good people, just reminds how much i enjoy my life the way it is. ups, downs & everything in between.

i do believe that
everything happens for a reason.
every ending is a new beginning.
the music is and always will keep going.
and we will keep smiling & singing along.



love you all.
even if sometimes i seem a bit crazy & deranged.
<3y.

6months.

i don't mind the rain, it makes me think.


i have been home for 6 months today. i can't believe how much time has just flown by.



i think i know now why people write rough drafts.
if you saw the rough draft copy of my life story, there would be so many blank pages, scribbles and mistakes.
i'm guessing it would be like that for a lot of people as well.
i wish it wasn't like that all the time though.
but just like all that i've learned throughout my life and at ccm,
everything that happens in life is a lesson learned.
life is a journey, not a destination.

this is life. these things are really happening.
i've gained a lot and lost a lot.
i've made mistakes, i've made my own choices.
i've experienced new things and been misunderstood at times.
i've laughed. i've cried.
i've laughed till i cried.



i'm still learning every second of every day, even when i tell myself i'm not.

there have been times where i feel like i have nothing left to give or take.
there have been times where i dont know what i feel or what to do with myself.

i've found myself.
i've felt lost.
i've pushed people away knowingly.



today i walked outside to have a morning cigarette.
i listened to the leaves rustle in the wind.
i exhaled.
i saw life in the world again as the sun poked its head out of the rain clouds.


and i told myself again,
everything is going to be okay.


you may think i'm unusual and things that i say or think or weird.
i stopped caring about that a lot time ago.

floating.

i enjoy time with friends doing the things we like to do.




this is as simple as it gets.




i don't know what's going on right now,
but i think i'm liking the way things are.

some are dreamers.

i am currently content with the way things are.

i have a bottle of memories,
and many more in the making...


that is enough for me right now.

i don't feel so bad for myself either.
i'm back home.
almost back to normal.


i'm going to clean my room, look for a job, get a new car and perhaps go out for Coba once I go over there and check it out.
also, go to target with my sister & get some beads for simple entertainment.

i am sorta liking the rainshine.


don't break hearts
& try to shake hands.

tired eyes, sunrise.

it's funny almost.
i haven't felt like this in a long time.

here we go again,
"i don't know where i am."
they act like it's normal,
but they don't even know.
i may say a lot, but there's so much more in my head.

i'm awake. i know i am.



you don't know anything about me.


this is a pattern that just won't break...
maybe you can make some adjustments though.


just be.
i'll see you later
(:




also,
something i've realized.


Just be kind and grateful for whatever you have & the world will pay it forward.


Oh, the adventures of MaryAnn Jizzane.

BEEASY!

before you left,

i should've said this.

'i know someday you say i'm going to get over this.
and who knows what one day will bring.'


here i am, alone for once.
nobody is talking.
i haven't been awake for a moment like this in almost two months.
my emotions don't feel twisted and confused.
for the first time in a while.
i know where i am,
and i actually can see the future.
thank you.
whoever you are,
for bringing this into my life.


* * * *

watch your nicotine burn through your empty crutch.
inhale, 123, exhale.
her scent burns his memory.

who?

you left me crippled, weak. i could hardly walk. i felt so fragile, like a butterfly trying to break out of its cocoon. but now i've found my wings again, and i am going to fly again. and you won't remember why you decided to leave.

'i thought i loved you. i don't know what i was thinking, after all the shit you decided to put me through. and i don't know if you knew that, but now you all do. and this is as real as it will ever get. and you will probably never find out. because you don't give a fuck anymore...what happened to you?'

<3,
yourburningcigarette.

inspiration; i've changed my mind.



"i'm so over you
i got no more to give
i gave it all to you
and you couldn't handle it
and i don't care if you come back to me on your knees
i just don't love you no more."



comingsoon.soundtracktomylife, along with the story of my life.

from the notes of my sidekick.

1/22
"...and i thought i knew it all, i still dont.
because i tell myself things are always fine,
even if things are crashing and falling all around.
i didn't care.
past became present. past became future."

"of course now, i realize why you were the way you were."

"and everything goes faster,
as you start to slow down,
he looks over to her,
and she hits the ground--running, running..
away from him,
doing the same thing he did to her.
goodbye lover.
it's too late.
maybe i'll see you another day."

1/27
"that's a pessimistic thought. life can be simple."

1/28
"i can think clearly,
until your fading face falls into my memory.
and then the light goes out.
i can't tell if it's your presence that i'm lacking,
or the way it used to be.
you didn't introduce me to this world.
this is the world as i know it now.
you wouldn't even understand me anymore,
since i hardly understand myself anymore.
i'm not the person i used to be.
but then again,
neither are you."

"sometimes it starts to seem like you have lost control.
but you have no idea anymore.
so, you say it's nothing--and then you start all over again."

"a girl lays on the ground, painting pictures in her head of times when things could be remembered. she thinks to herself how alone she is in the way she thinks, feels, and even breathes. every breath taken in so slow, and exhaled at a steady pace. it's almost 5 am; she racks her brain of how her life has spun wildly out of control. but just as the thoughts come, they are released like bottles in the ocean. she says to herself, 'one more line and im done.' so she pops a pill and smokes her life away...bad trip? no. this is reality."

"i'm not crazy! i just like to have fun!"

1/30
"i, sometimes, don't want to be around myself because i feel like i don't know who i am anymore. i can't tell if i'm sober or not. i sometimes forget where i am or about all the people who are trying to contact me and ask me where i am. i don't know what to tell them. i might be on the brink of insanity.. or maybe i'm already there."

"it would be painful to die right now.
i hope we're almost there."


"i want someone to get me.
but nobody gets me."




so much of you, still, no matter where i go.

my eyes hurt.

So, this is my life now...
My eyes burn from falling asleep with my contacts in for a week straight I have not been sleeping at home isn't the same anymore I can't remember which days are which or what we did that one night because this all seems like one sleepless endless night turns into day and minutes turn to hours of staying up and talking or flying into the speakers where little fragments are forming into one beautiful melody of bright lights and sunshine shining into us smoke fills the air serotonin rushes smiles form eyes wiggle body tingles life is beautiful and it goes on and on and on till we start over again.

We are a indefinite run-on sentence that is beginning to find some punctuation.

I am beginning to like prime numbers, all except for 31 maybe.

I am a box of the most random fucking stories.


I swear, I'm going to write a book.


Tomorrow im going home and im going to recuperate from my supreme binge of being in outerspace.



"WHAT THE FUCKKKK?"


I love kicking stones.

dismiss you.

Waking up in unfamiliar places has become familiar.


Smile sunshine!
Life is beautiful<3