Saturday, May 30, 2009

waiting on the steps

Every car that passes by
I wish it were you
The time is ticking ever so slowly
But its almost been another hour
How I wish you were here
Another car
Another face
Not you

Where are you?
Im trying ever so hard to be patient.

But I miss you dear.

what nobody ever knew

I fell for you
So hard that I didn't even realize
The look in your eyes
We are meant to be
We will always be
You said,
"Be quiet,"
I said,
"You need to speak up."
Miscommunication over
Such distance
You wish it wasn't so.
So I get scared that it is always close to the end.
But you don't ever forget to remind me
"We could be forever."
You forgot to tell me this time.

Im sorry im thinking too much
that it doesn't even make sense.


Great.

I hope you fell asleep, and you're not just proving me right.

Sometimes I hate to be right.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

so different.

Life has changed so much for me in almost every way, I never stopped to realize. I haven't even taken the time. Simple, little moments such as lying on my bed listening to music, writing in a notebook, taking a walk, taking some time for thoughts ... I feel like im always rushing and my thoughts don't even have a chance. All this has just made me feel stuck, and not know who I am. I have become a slightly bitter and distasteful person, as much as I am happy, I feel like I have been missing something, or avoiding something. I'm not so sure. I don't want to wait and have it smack me on the right side of the head though. I've already realized and world: don't you doubt me. I am ready.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

if perfect existed,

it'd be you.

i've spent my life, looking for something else.
something else to make me feel..
anything...
less empty, more of something else.

and then i found you.
...or you found me.
i used to tell myself that i didn't like you. i couldn't like you. 
but then,
it hit me.


it's hard to say exactly how you've helped me, just by being the person who you are... and wanting what's best for me. it's crazy to even admit that you've helped me especially when i just want to say i hate you or leave me alone.

but...
you are, you are.
everything, you are.


and, i'm so happy you're in my life again.


NB.<3

Monday, May 25, 2009

know these things.

Attttention: everybody that thinks they can hang but they can't.

Know your mind, know your body.
Know how much you can handle.

PLEASE.


And if you need help, why don't you just ask for it? Stop tryna be bigger than you are...that's what gets you so fucking FUCKED up.

These things are supposed to be fun and enlightening.
Let's keep it that way!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

friday.

deadmau5
tiefschwarz
moderat
destructo

1. i forgot how it felt, and it was the best way to rememberrrrrr.
2. he is the best ever and makes me feel :) allways.
3. i want to feel and see it over and over again...

until the next time!


I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT and i already miss it.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

unknown.

i am just a little girl reaching for something more than what my hands can grasp.


i dont know what i want right now.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

impossible.

"Can't ignore your aura cos it pulled me by the hand...like the moon pulled the tide and the tide pulled the sand."


There really is not much to say.

this sucks.

I put my heart out there and you can just take whatever's left of me, k? And when you're done just tell me so I can close it back up so nobody sees.. Just in case you make a fool out of me just like the last one.



Is it really that difficult to be with me? Honestly. Im sorry if it is. I don't know what else to offer.

Monday, May 18, 2009

cleaning.

what is it that we think of when we think of cleaning up?
cleaning up my room, cleaning out my mind, cleaning up my life.
i think the reason why i hate cleaning so much sometimes is because i have to actually think about where things go and not just take everything and put them in the same places.
don't get me wrong, i like having a clean room... it leads to a cleaner mind and all in all, it makes me feel good.

unless i get stuck.

like right now. i have all these things but i don't know where to put them because i can only put so much stuff in my closet, on my desk, and in drawers. i don't really like just placing things under the bed cos that is just pointless because i know it's going to get messy again.

i need to go to the container store.
it feels much better to have things in place.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

i can be alone.

right?
dreams are so weird sometimes. actually, all the time. isn't it crazy that we think of all those things as we are sleeping? it amazes me... and sometimes we don't even remember! (i dislike that part.)

i just feel like i'm kinda a mess lately.

Friday, May 15, 2009

what i don't like to feel.

pain. confusion. anger. sadness.


i try to stay away from it all.
sometimes i don't even know how i'm feeling and i hate that the most:

emptiness.


another i hate,
not knowing.

not getting what i want.
being afraid to say what i want.
being afraid of what i want.

yeah.

the end.



* * * *
 this made me laugh and totally reminded me why i like you (-_-) and your lame, corny self.

neil: ... I told my friend she looked cute and it was so funny because I know she felt scared and awkward ... 
neil: the small one we ran into at albertacos.
neil: can I show you a picture of her, can I
me: oh k
me: you think she's cute! >:[

neil: in a little girl way

me: oh k

neil: not like hey you're cute whatcha doin' tonight

me: hahahaha



frustrating times.

i guess what gets me through these times is knowing there will be sunshine and rewards in the end.


yup.
sun in the sky!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

c'est vrais.

i keep telling myself i need some time to think, but the more i think... the more i don't understand.

it's sad when you don't realize how the things you say affect me.
i don't know how else to describe how i've been feeling, so i guess i'll just come back when i figure it out.


* * * *

i am not happy. i am not sad. it's weird because i just feel somewhat incomplete. i wonder if you feel the same way. i feel stupid feeling the way that i do and not knowing if you do too. i guess i am sorta sad because i wish you could read my mind and just show me you're not mad. or i guess, i'm just not happy because i assume the worst when we don't talk because nobody can tell me otherwise. i always wonder what you're thinking when you're quiet. i don't know why i am insecure about this, even if i know that there is nothing to feel insecure about. 

i guess i just wish everything was perfect all the time.
i guess, i do know how you feel then.

and of course my pride is getting in the way.
doesn't it always?



PS. you make me CRAZY!
<3

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

lessons we learn.

Rest in Peace Patrick Romey & family <3

I've tried to write about this so many times since it's happened. It's hard to describe all the feelings and thoughts that have been going through my head since last Saturday. I don't really have much to say except this is teaching me so many more life lessons.


Everything happens for a reason.

I've realized that it isn't worth it to spend your life fighting, or in ridiculous fights about nothing. Putting your pride down is the hardest thing for most of us, but it needs to be done because you never know when it's the last time you're going to be seeing someone.

Friday, May 8, 2009

just for you (:

ysabelleeee: i like jason mraz. thanks for reminding me.
xx17417xx: i like neil belen*


* * * *

willingly taking a break from my life has given me a lot of time to think about things... almost too much. i know that the mind is a scary place to get lost in, but at the same time, i have a lot of time to re-evaluate how i am living (again.) i don't know. i am realizing that i have avoided a lot of things. there are a lot of people and situations i have been dancing around, hoping to just forget about. unfortunately, life doesn't work that way.

i wish i could just go up to everyone and anyone i have avoided and tell them how i really feel, but of course in this world, not everybody sees things the same way.


i don't even know where i'm getting with this.
i am getting lost in my own head again.



peaceful & deserving.


Thursday, May 7, 2009

life lesson #2

"The pain back in LIFE LESSON #1 was for your benefit.
You were being taught to breathe,
invited to suck down a yummy oxygen/nitrogen cocktail.
That painful whack was necessary for your growth."

Of course, had you been told this at the time, you still would not have understood with your naive lil' baby mind.
And so it goes for much of the pain in your life. OFten you need to evolve a bit more before you can understand a bit more.

Growing up.
sometimes we don't realize how we affect one another.

of course, just like everyone else, i wish i could have a perfect life. no broken family, no heartbreak or heartache, no nothing. i know i'm not the only one that feels this way, but sometimes i am selfish and i forget that i am not alone. sometimes i wish there was somebody there to always talk to... but this blog is sufficient for right now.





i know that if i didn't meet you then, i would've met you eventually.
you are my destiny.


i feel lame sometimes when i talk about you.
oh well.
<3

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

how to be happy dammit.

so when i first came home from cross creek, i basically stayed indoors and tried to pretend that the world around me was just a trap back into my old life, which in the end i let it be...but anyways, besides the point, i picked up this book at barnes&nobles. you can find it in the self-help section (; ha ha...you might think that's lame but that just shows how not open you are to self-improvement. anyways, 44 life lessons! it really helped me look at life differently. ~9 months later, i have become a different person... but i am still ysabelle! i've decided to open it back up...

so we'll start from the beginning and i'll just throw these in when i can;;

''life lesson #1
pain exists.
life can hurt.
like a lot.
even when you're good,
you can get whacked.
without apology.
without explanation."


with that being said, my dad and are in a constant battle in my house and i hate it more than anything in the world because i can't fix it, even if i try.


this makes me want to scream,

but i'm doing my best to not take it personal.

one angry entry for the books.

i must be getting my period because i could totally go off right now on how idiotic i think some people are with the way they present themselves and their daily lives. oh puhlease, you wannabe potheads.


oh look, i just did.

please forgive me, i have so much more to say but i guess i should just hold my tongue.



on a different note,
i am going to sleep..because i am craving some sleep.


PS. those who say "not down" trying to get me to feel like i cant hang with you.. grow the fuck up cos you'll never be as up as i am.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

when everything begins to fall apart,

i'd rather try and pick up the pieces.
i'm not one for broken anything, if you know what i mean.
i know people may think that once something's broken you can't go and re-fix it...
but i am a firm believer in putting things back together--especially when it comes to family.

i know all my family wants is for me to be successful and live a wonderful life,
because who doesn't want that for themselves and their offspring?
but what i want, is for me to want things for myself.
i don't want to be doing things for my parents, let alone anyone else, for the rest of my life.. i know i'll get sick of it. i already have!

so today i went out and picked up job applications with brittany. i am going to fill them out tomorrow or within this week and go to Goldenwest to apply tomorrow.

i know my life has been ups and downs since i got home in august. it is much more than i thought i ever signed up for coming back into reality and the same, but different environment.

anyways yeah, one day i want to write it all out...but the unfortunate thing is, i don't think i remember all of it.

i love my life though. and i've been thanking whoever is out there insanely.
i am a lucky girl.



trying to get my life on track, once more.
i appreciate all of my friends who respect me and what i'm trying to do whenever i do..

forrrr real.
all.of.you.



oh yes, and he does bring a nice, big smile to my face! [:
:D

Monday, May 4, 2009

simple concepts that i forget.

friendships.
it isn't hard to be a friend, i think it's hard for me to stay in friendships. sometimes i dwell a lot in what the other friend is doing wrong but most likely i am fucking up just as much. what i probably could do instead, is say how i feel about what they do...but instead i keep to myself, so when i do tell them, they're all confused.

i know i need to change this.

have you ever felt like what you're thinking is out of the ordinary and there is no way ever in hell that somebody else could actually think the same?
but then you find one, and it is utterly mind blowing that they are actually thinking and saying the same things as you.

you are not alone, trust me.


we all think we are alone in this world, but the truth is we were born with other people and meant to be friends with each other. we weren't born to fight or be separate. we were each born a unique individual, to shine our insight of life on one another.

when i read something and it really sticks,  i am so grateful that somebody was able to capture the exact feeling i have been trying to describe.



i know i had more to say, a lot more. but i lost it all in my sleep. hopefully i'll recover it sooner than later and i can share it with you all.

you all, as in, whoever you are.



* * * *

love.
i was thinking about love the other day and how it's hard to believe i've ever really been in love because i don't think i even know what love is, let alone how to describe it. how is it possible? can somebody tell me what it is? i've heard sayings, i'm pretty sure that's what they show in movies...but how do i KNOW? i thought i was, i think i am...sometimes. but i don't know.

and as for that term 'you've got to show me love.'
how are people supposed to show her?

i am being completely serious. is this stupid? i don't care. i want to know.

Friday, May 1, 2009

i've got a whole lot of nothing to talk about.

i know i update this shit a lot; this is what you're signing up for when you come here.


you are everything you are, nothing at all.


* * * *

i don't see how people get the impression that it is okay to just pretend like nothing has happened. Why do I always fall for this type? I'm just wondering. An old friend im'd me this morning and it got me thinking about life and the people that come and go. It's not often that I think about all of this because there's so many people that I talk to that I hardly talked to and that I don't talk to that I always talk to. It's funny how that all works out, or doesn't. I really miss some of the people I used to talk to, and wonder where they are in their lives now. I wonder if they're happy, if things are going well for them, or if they have changed (hopefully for the better!) I wonder, for a second, if people think the same things about me. Maybe they are like me, reminiscing over everything ever so carefully, pondering why things turned out the way they did. Or maybe, they've forgotten already...they don't even remember. Sometimes I wish I could forget. But then I remember, this is who I am. All of these little moments, arguments, good trips, bad trips, heartbreaks and heartaches... have molded me into who I am right this second. So now, I just hope that when somebody thinks of me and how I have affected their life...they think good things. Even though, I know I've done some fucked up shit in my life that I know people will and do talk shit about. Just as I see the good in everything, I hope they do too. Enough rambling. I'm going to go shower and start my day with mjay.

stay up, stay healthy! life is beautiful.
<3