simplysabelle

The final stretch.

2011-12-07T09:36:00.000-08:00

Ahhhh it has come down to this. I can honestly say the last three months have been a whirlwind. I have loved, lost & gained so much than I ever thought I would. It has been a challenging road and I know there's still so much more ahead.. but I just figured it was time to take a little time to be grateful for everything that I've gone through. Every day I learn something new & I feel like I'm just growing so much more as a person. I gotta thank you even though you weren't there. I drew strength from what we had and what became broken. It seems annoying, to say the least, the amount of time I'd spend thinking about and talking about the loss of us... but I know now that it really was for the best. I look back on this and I notice that everything has happened just the way that it was supposed to. I am so grateful for my mother, who was there when I felt like my world was falling apart. Mornings when I thought that I just couldn't do it and I wanted to give up & go home. I don't think you understand how weak & frail I became at one point. I am grateful for my cousin who was a shoulder to cry on when nobody else was there. I am grateful for my friends who were there to listen even if it was repetitive. I am so grateful for myself, my life and for pushing myself to stay busy and focused even when I missed you, I still miss you... but I've accepted the present as a gift from the past to the future. Whatever time brings, I hope that I can stay on my feet. I hope that you've been holding up well too...

Thank you for everything. I am so blessed to live this life.

Letting it out of my hands!

2011-11-29T01:18:00.000-08:00

Oh man.. today and tonight has been a huge relief. I actually feel like I'm moving forward and letting the chips fall where they may. I know what I'm worth.. I know what I wanna do. I know how I gotta get there... Two more weeks of school and three weeks of work.. I'm about to make it fuckin RAIN! I just gotta stay focused and motivated. I feel great right now.

Thank you. Universe... God.. whoever is out there helpin me out right now. I'm glad I have had faith in the process even though it's been hard.. I'm beginning to see the road ahead of me.

Good luck to anybody out there that is trying to find it. Keep searching... Life is full of many many surprises. & always remember... Life is a journey, not a destination.

Be great.

2011-11-18T19:44:00.000-08:00

Never settle for anything less than what you deserve.

Always shine at your brightest & know your worth.

That's it for today (:

Think you know somebody.

2011-11-13T20:24:00.000-08:00

The thing is that we're always changing. One second you think you know somebody and the next second you're questioning all their motives. It's been hard to me to draw the fine line between us and it sucks that I've put myself in a position where I just end up being more and more hurt because I don't know this person you've become. I thought that we were closer and had the ability to be more honest with each other but the truth is we're not. I know I shouldn't have expected something from nothing but at the time I just didn't believe that it was nothing. I guess this is where I finally draw the line because it's clear now what is really going on. I don't think we will ever really get over these loose or frayed ends because we created them. It is what it is though and I will learn to let go of it all and let it remain where it is. I know that time will heal all and that this will all in all give me wisdom and strength to be a better person. I feel it and I know this is true and I hope that in time comes a chance for me to be happy again with somebody new. I'm not going to spend any more time hoping for a loss cause. I am going to accept that I miss you, accept that things were real at one point and now they're not. I'm not going to try to make you see it anymore because it's only hurting me and that's not fair. My life is full of blessings and so many different things that I need to be focusing on rather than a faded memory of you & I. If you're not willing to make anything work, not even a friendship, then neither will I. Why would I want to sacrifice anything for your happiness when it's just tearing apart mine? Fuck that. Fuck this. I missed you time and time again, but this is really the end. Goodbye, fairweather friend.

Whoa.

2011-11-12T12:41:00.001-08:00

You had me thinking that it was all my fault and that I was the one that needed to change....

but now I'm beginning to feel like you were the one that changed.

We are always growing & I guess we just grew apart. It's sad that I don't know why I didn't see it before... or love made me believe that it was something that it wasn't anymore. Why does love do that? I'm beginning to feel like I'm not a fan. I honestly believe at this moment, right now that being single is what I need. I feel like I'm finally coming to terms (finally!) with what is going on... Took long enough but at the same I feel like it went by pretty fast. I can't believe it's been a few months since all these drastic changes were made in my life. I think I'm doing pretty well for what I'm doing.. I could always be doing better, but that's just how life goes. At least I'm moving... now I just gotta continue on and try to strive higher on that road to success along that path of happiness.

Always getting higher.

silent drama.

2011-11-09T19:22:00.000-08:00

I never thought it'd come to this. I feel so fucking pissed because I feel so disrespected as a person and a friend. I know that I don't deserve to feel like this, yet I continue to let thoughts of you drag me down. After I write that letter, I'm done for good.

Confusion:

2011-10-30T14:36:00.000-07:00

is the name of the game;

but I don't wanna play it.

I feel like I climb so far only to fall back down a few steps again...

but it's my own fault.

I know I need to stop this because I just end up hurting myself and confusing myself even more.

What the fuck?

I don't want to say shit,

& then I just expect myself to get over it?

We don't wanna feel used or confused, but that is where we both lose.

Crazy in the mind with a sense of calm at the same time,

Throwing our emotions down the drain just to seem sane.

Morning comes but the sun fades away,

bringing darkness to a new day.

How can we expect things to change if we're still playing this silly game?

Saying and doing things we can't take back,

Trying to move forward and not look back...

I want to stay, but I have to leave..

Leaving us stuck in the middle of this tangled web we weave.

As the leaves change color & fall to the ground,

I have begun to get used to you not being around.

Please don't make a sound.

Your voice might just lead me back to you.

I don't know if I want to hear the truth,

I have a feeling I already know.

Just wanna let it go.

I do too, but then we make it so hard.

What's going on in our minds.. in our hearts?

Right now, I can't even tell what's better-- together or apart.

This verse hits home.

2011-10-24T22:43:00.001-07:00

"I wanna kick it, but I know that shit is different now
And times have changed
Let me know if I'm out of bounds, are the lines the same?
I mean ya, lookin' good, yeah you still got it
Been reminiscin' and I'm not sure how I feel about it
Now we can say that all good things come to an end
But we know each other way too well to pretend
We went from friends to somethin' much more
To breakin' up to makin' up and fuckin' once more
Second chances, we gave enough to finally
We gave it up, but some days I be wakin' up and wantin' one more
But what for? Maybe it's just the weather
We break each others hearts, so maybe it's for the better
Holler whenever, cause you always got a friend in me
And nothin' lasts forever, least we got these memories"

I can honestly say that these past months or so have been testing me immensely. I thought that I was broken, but now I am beginning to realize this is what set me free. I almost begin to feel angry about the way you've treated me, but I guess I can only be accountable for what has happened... even now. I don't know why I feel so in the dark but I have really begun to care a lot less. Time has really been healing me and showing me that I don't really need this. It has been annoying how much I care, but it doesn't really matter because the bottom line is I don't even know if I can count on him to be there, even as a friend. I tell myself that all we need is time and space and hopefully one day we can be friends... but I almost start to feel like I don't even care about that anymore. I guess I'm just as confused as ever, but whatever. I have a lot going on right now and the last thing I need is to be dragged back down to level 0, missing you.

I am proud of the work I've done and the strength & confidence I've been gaining through all this shit.

Phoenix risin' from the ashes.

A little at a time.

2011-10-16T20:54:00.001-07:00

You never know, you know?

All you can ever do is try to change yourself for the better, and for yourself, nobody else.

I love this thing called life that I've been blessed with.

It's not always easy, that's for sure, but I know that all these challenges and hardships in the end make me a better person.

I know I'm stubborn, but I'm glad I have been able to open my mind and see.

I'm not saying I'm perfect.. far from it,

but I am grateful for all the lessons I've been learning about myself and others.

The main thing is that I need to learn how to be on my own.

I have always actually been on my own..

I have always had friends, but I think that it is in my comfort zone to keep to myself...

The truth is, I've always been afraid to let people in..

not knowing who I can trust because I learned a long time ago..

People lie.

Yet I've learned to try to see the bright side of things even when it looks like night.

What I'm tryin to say is that,

All you can ever do is trust yourself--before you try & trust or love anyone else.

One day this will all make sense.

Patience.

2011-10-09T19:31:00.000-07:00

The more you worry about what is going to happen, the less you are able to see what is going on RIGHT NOW.

A friend told me this... thank you. Lately, it's all been about trying to rebuild myself. To be honest, there are days where I feel so empowered and I really wish I could hold onto that feeling longer because I tend to make things so difficult tripping about all the things I want to/need to do. I am trying my hardest to take my life into my hands, yet it seems I tend to get so boggled down by my thoughts sometimes. One step at a time though.

So here I go, one foot in front of the other... Head to sky, only looking forward, but staying in the moment.

Sunny days, here I come*

Focusing on myself

2011-10-05T10:02:00.001-07:00

is oh so difficult. Of course I'm going around in circles over you, but I guess the more that I think about it, the more that I realize you are NOT. So what is the point exactly? I refuse to be sad over you and missing you if the feeling is not even mutual. It's actually pathetic and I hate to feel that way. I am trying to make a change, but I honestly feel like life is pushing against me sometimes... but I guess that's the point. Life is extremely challenging right now and it's not even just you. Everything is piling on top of each other and here I am.. trying to climb through the mud. It's an uphill battle, and no joke that is what I dreamed about last night. I have total faith in myself that I can get through this. I believe it so much that I wish that I could hold onto this feeling and spread it through my whole body just in case in a few hours I forget. Like I said, things tend to go in full circle. I don't think I will understand completely why things change or what causes them to change, but all I know is that we did. It's time for me to accept that there are better things out there for me and that you are not worth my time anymore. I really don't want to be bitter with you, but the truth of the matter is you're not who I thought you were. Not at all.

Sorry. for everything. I was a fool to think that a love like this wouldn't end up like this.

Shattered remains, I don't even recognize it anymore.

It's in the past.

I'm leaving it there.

I am a beautiful, carefree and WORTHWHILE young woman.

Someday, somebody else will come around that realizes that and will love me the way I am.

For now, I will continue to love myself and know that I deserve the best.

ugh.

2011-10-04T12:12:00.000-07:00

I'm just going to be completely honest right now.

I miss you in my life.

I can't believe we're not even friends.

Full circle.

2011-10-02T16:24:00.000-07:00

I've been going around and around in circles with my thoughts on everything.

Thankfully, I've been coming around to the same conclusions and that's this:

This is what's for best right now.

I have no idea what the future will bring.

All I know is that I'm learning.. I'm learning so much about myself. I'm learning sooo much more about life, love and the pursuit of my own happiness.

I completely understand that I cannot love another person until I have learned to completely and wholeheartedly love myself.

It's a sad thing that this had to happen, but everything happens for a reason.

It makes so much sense, and it is all so clear to me right at this moment.

It's getting easier, but at the same time it's so hard.

C'est la vie.

This is to..

2011-10-01T01:20:00.001-07:00

Never letting another person determine my happiness.

It's easy to get caught up in the easiness of a relationship. In the beginning, when it's easy people may even start to falsely believe that it will always be that way. It is believing that things will always be easy that causes us to be so surprised when adversities arise.

The truth is nothing is ever going to stay perfect. It's all about finding the ones that are willing to accept you as you and love you for who you are.. and the willingness to sacrifice for one another because you love each other.

I gave my love away fully because I believed that it was worth it

& I still want to believe one day that love is worth it.

For now, I gotta love myself.

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

Thank you for allowing me to learn through all this.

I want to be the bigger person, but at this point I am so fucking pissed because I realize all the times that you have said something but didn't mean it or it never happened.

Full of shit.

& you never apologized.

I always did.

I'm not gonna say sorry this time. I'm only sorry now for wasting our time.

Things to remember.

2011-09-30T09:56:00.000-07:00

People do not always turn out to be the people you think they are.

Don't trust to easily, expect nothing.

Motivate yourself, depend on yourself, rely on nobody.

Love yourself above all, trust your instincts.

It is okay to have your guard up.

Learn to accept yourself for who you are,

so nobody can bring you down.

Give your all,

but don't expect it to be given in return.

Hope for the best, expect the worst.

Realize that people change and sometimes leave you behind.

Don't be the one that gets left behind.

Change can be for the better or for the worst,

always make it better.

Sometimes life does you dirty,

learn to play fair even when it gets messy

& rise up higher than ever.

See you in the clouds.

(Big shout out to the ones that have been keeping me on point. You guys are awesome & I appreciate it beyond words.)

Let this be a reminder, to myself.

2011-09-26T11:52:00.001-07:00

I have to say goodbye.

All I know is that I've loved you so much and I tried my best,

and I can't try anymore because I feel like the more I try,

the further away you seem..

and it just hurts me.

I'm choosing to let you go because I love you,

but most of all,

I have to learn love myself above everything.

I have felt heartbroken, lost and alone..

and I've been thinking that I just don't want to give it up.

Life isn't fair sometimes, shit happens.. but you're right. We just have to move on.

One day I will see the reason for all of this.

One day I will I look back and be proud of how I made it through the difficult times when I felt like I just couldn't go on.

I will love myself because I deserve to be happy.

But this is it.

I need to do it.

I need to be strong for myself because nobody else can.

I hope and I pray that things will get better and I will have the strength to accept things as they are.. even if it's not what I want at the moment.

[Thank you for everything. I really hope the best for you & I.

Together or apart;

No matter where we go, or where we end up.

I know what we had was special and real.. and I will never forget it.]

The truth.

2011-09-25T15:50:00.000-07:00

The truth is it's rough right now.

It's so difficult to have to let go of somebody who means so much to me...

somebody I feel like I would do anything for.

That feeling when I can't fall asleep next to you, or wake up next to you..

or the thought of you before I sleep or after I wake up..

It breaks my heart.

Remembering the times we spent together and how it felt like yesterday.

... but that's just how life is sometimes.

I understand that we have to be apart right now.

I don't want it; I want to fight it..

but I won't.

I won't because I know deep down that this is what's right at the moment.

As much as it hurts me and tears me apart inside to watch you go,

I try to bite my lip and smile because I know..

I know that one day if we are meant to be together, then we will.

The truth is I'm so happy for the times we've shared and I'll hold them close to me always.

I don't want to be bitter of you or us, or the fact that it's over.

I want to be optimistic and hopeful that one day we'll have faith that we made the right decision...

no matter where life takes us,

I hope that we are the best that we can be.

I love you all ways, B. <3

i just wanna say

2011-09-24T09:45:00.000-07:00

Fuck it.

I really do. I want to say fuck it and forget that you and whatever we ever were.

I hate it that I don't know how you feel at all.

I hate what we've become.

...but something keeps telling me that everything i'm/you're/we're going through,

maybe all this pain and suffering could be worth it in the end.

I'm trying to tell myself this is what is supposed to be.

& that these struggles are only helping me to become a stronger person.

/Help us to become stronger people.

I just wish it wasn't this hard.

& I wish I could tell you how I feel.

Why do you feel so far?

don't feel right.

2011-09-14T22:14:00.000-07:00

one day..

i hope i'll feel like we made the right decision.

"whatever happens.."

sometimes i hate that i'm just leaving it up to the universe.

"what's meant to be will be"

i just feel like saying this is stupid!!!!

but i can't bring myself to say anything anymore.

i force myself to be strong, even if i don't feel like i am.

That's love.

2011-09-09T09:41:00.001-07:00

So, one thing I have learned about love. It's wonderful. It can build you up to make you the best that you can be... and then it can be oh-so-hard. It can make you so happy yet so mad. It can bring tears of joy and tears of pain. It can sometimes take turns that you don't realize or don't want to take. It can be a a short street or a small little avenue.. bringing you to other fascinating places. It can lead you to long winding roads that bring you back to the same spot, or even make you feel like you took a couple steps backwards. All I know about love right now is... as much as two people can be in love, there comes a time where somebody has to take a step back and realize what is going on. When things start to hurt and you feel like you've tried so hard, but you still don't want to give up... that's love. When you realize you love somebody so much that you're willing to let go and let fate take its course once again... that's love.

I truly believe that if this is what we're meant to be then one day we will be. I've convinced myself to leave you alone because I don't know what else to do. I haven't lost in hope in us; I only know that this is what I have to do now. I realize that I've been pushing and pushing and I don't want to be the cause of us ending up hating each other. I don't want to be bitter of what we had because I know what we had was real.

It breaks my heart...

But that's love. and that's life.

I wish always the best for you and me... even if there can't be a you & me right now.

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead."

i hate that i'm here again.

2011-07-15T10:48:00.001-07:00

i don't know what to do at this point.... it sucks. i hate the fact that any time i bring up anything regarding how i feel, it is considered stupid, ridiculous or doesn't make sense. i hate that you just don't understand me and say that normal people don't act like this. i fucking hate that i can't just hate you for being such an asshole to me when i try to talk to you about things because they're little or insignificant to you. it's annoying because no matter how hard i try to communicate, it turns into an argument where you're fucking getting mad at me because i'm "mad" BUT I'M NOT MAD. if anything, i'm mad that we cannot fucking communicate for the life of us. how is it possible that two people who just seemed to always understand each other just cannot anymore. i'm so confused. i don't know if i can do this. i can't be in a relationship with somebody who acts like this when i try to talk about how i feel. it hurts me and it makes me feel stupid about myself. it's like you make up the biggest assumptions about how i can never be happy, it takes so much to make me happy, how i'm never satisfied. that's not fair. you say i'm being unfair, but i just don't see it either. like it amazes me how neither of us can manage to communicate effectively. i don't get it. i really don't get it. it's breaking my heart...

can't stop some things.

2011-07-07T09:11:00.001-07:00

i knew you weren't going to be out of my life forever, but some things are definitely needed at times to help something become better than it what it already was.. & to fix the things that weren't working before. i'm not saying "aw yeah things are back to normal now, no biggie" because it's not like that... but things are definitely getting better and i have faith they will continue to because of the work that i am putting in and wanting to continue to put in as time goes on. am i making any sense? so yeah, i like how things are picking up in time. i have been meeting some very wonderful new people and also reconnecting with a lot of old friends. it's been real good and i am grateful for everybody that helped me through the good times and bad. i'm glad you betches are around! anywho, my mom's leavin for the philippines today and i gots a lot to do.. but i just wanted to jot a quick update.

just gotta keep moving.

2011-07-03T15:06:00.000-07:00

i don't want to move on. i think that's pretty clear. but if that's what you want me to do... if that's what you want us to do, i'm going to respect that. as much as it breaks my heart to be apart right now, i know that this time is only making us stronger. although i catch myself thinking from time to time that this isn't right, i can still hope and have faith that things will turn out that way in the end.

lost.

2011-07-02T21:17:00.000-07:00

each day it does get easier, but it doesn't really get better. people are saying so many different things, and my heart and mind continue to play games with me. i don't even know if they're games, but it's just all the same. i want to give you space if that's what you need. it's killing me inside trying to hide it, but at the same time i just want to be real. i'm not ready for us to be over, i'm not done trying to be your lover.. or your friend. i'm holding onto this hope that this time apart is really good not only just for me to figure out what i really need for myself, but for the our relationship to eventually grow stronger. i feel pathetic writing this on a blog that everybody could see, but i just need to get this out there. i don't know what it is but the days go by and i start to question if i really should be holding onto this hope of what could be. i'm just trying to take it day by day; it's so difficult when i think about how wrong this feels. i wonder if you feel the same. i wonder if we're really done.

anyway, i need to get out. i can't take another night staying home and wondering about us. call me pathetic, but my world... it's really so different without us.

Maybe this is what we needed,

maybe this is just what we need.

I hope we can talk soon.imy.ily.<3

i've been thinking...

2011-06-27T16:15:00.000-07:00

so it's been the longest since i've talked to you. no doubt about it, it's hard as fuck, going from something to nothing like that... but i understand where you're coming from. there's just so many variables that i never stopped to even take a look at. i don't want to make excuses for anything anymore, so i just have a few things to say.

i wish that i could've told you how you felt, but right now you're just too far gone. i feel horrible that it has come to this, but i know the things that i have done to get let it get this way. it sucks that you feel that you are over all of this, and i pushed you so far away that i can't get through to you anymore. i'm sure you feel the same.

i keep thinking maybe this is what needed to happen for me to change. i've realized that i have neglected myself a lot in this relationship because all i ever wanted is to be with you. i'm sorry that i never realized how dependent i was on you. thank you for trying to help me realize my flaws, and it sucks that i didn't try as hard you wanted me to. i am trying so hard to understand why i never wanted to see them before. i know i can't blame you even though i do wish that we could have communicated better. i can only think about what i did because i want to believe that you tried your best and that giving up on me wasn't because you just didn't want to try anymore.

i just can't believe that it is over right now. i really wish that you were here right now and that you could have it in you to stay with me and understand that i want to change but i need help.... it's been hard to look at myself and see my flaws without getting defensive but i'm finally beginning to see it. i wish i was open to your before; i wish that you were open to me right now.

i'm beginning to see this time away has been making me realize so much... but i'm afraid i've already lost you. i can't help but think of all the things that i could've done differently... what we could have differently. i know you're sick and tired. i hate that i have led you to hate me so much and i never even realized this whole time i had just been pushing you away.

i know you think you shouldn't have to tell me these things.. and if that's how you feel, then i can't change that. all i know is that you feel you've tried enough, and maybe you think i haven't tried hard enough. in the end i feel that we both could try a little harder. i don't want to blame you for everything, but how can you really expect me to take all the blame? this is a relationship; it takes two people.

i'm sure you were thinking this all along, but where did we go wrong with communicating? i wish that i would've listened more. i wish that you would've been honest when me when things were bothering you instead of waiting to explode on me in a fight. i wish we both would've been more open to each other about our problems.

but now as i just sit here and reminisce of our times spent;

i feel so ashamed that this is where ended.

in the end i know that if we were meant to be then we will be..

if you and i can try work things out then, we will see..

but i guess for now, i have to set you free. /:

... i love you, always will. <3

i don't know you right now.

2011-06-24T03:00:00.000-07:00

how can something so perfect turn into something so ugly?

it's like we went from straight wonderful to horrible.

i don't even know what we're fighting over,

so does that just mean that we're just over?

i don't want to feel like we're done,

just like a day with a setting sun.

but if that's what you want then i'll let you be.

i guess right now i just need to focus on me.

i never meant to make you hate me so much,

but now when i'm without you, i'm missing your touch.

... but the words that you say just break my heart.

i never imagined us being apart.

you and i are just growing apart...

i never thought that you would feel so far.

but now here i am, thinking about you.

and i wonder if you're even thinking of me too.

i love you so much, and i know you love me.

too bad our pride just won't let us see...

that this is what was just meant to be.

you say that you're done, that it's not fun..

it breaks my heart to watch you walk away.

maybe we should just go our separate ways;

even though inside i'm wishing you would stay.

so we started as strangers; didn't know a thing...

didn't know that something like this would blossom this big.

and now it's as if we don't even know each other,

just like a flower that wilts in the winter.

how did it ever get this way?!

if only we could just go back to that day.

****

i know it's so cheesy, but i just had to let you know.

<3 i love you despite the hard times we're having. i want the best for you and i; you're the one that's always on my mind. and even if you say you don't want this anymore.. just know that (you were everything that I ever wished for.)

i am not perfect. i know i'm not. i can be a pretty fucked up person and i'm sorry for that. however; i feel like the last few years i have learned so much more about myself that i ever, ever knew. although i'm not as far along as others would expect me to be...

i'm on my own journey; i don't expect you to understand...

but one day hopefully, maybe that you can.

i haven't written in a while.

i had a good night.

i hope everyone else did too.<3

remember when..

2011-06-03T11:03:00.000-07:00

I love how I have just been building up this monster in my head because we haven't talked about this yet. It's sad how I feel like this is so important, but it seems like you don't even care.... then again, it's not the first time. I don't wish to make you seem like you are a horrible person because you aren't and you haven't been... but what is it these days, I don't even know. I don't know if we have just been growing apart, or taking each other for granted but I'm so upset that it has come to this. I don't even know if you are feeling the same way as me... I know I can't expect you to. I don't even know the point of me writing right now. I think I just so desperately want somebody to know that I'm sad right now. I haven't been sad like this in a while, and I wish it wasn't because of you.

or I mean us.

strangers. best friends.

2011-05-22T20:58:00.000-07:00

This is where I can say whatever I want, so just bear with me.

1. I wonder why you acted the way that you did. I wish that I could ask you why you felt like you had to hurt me so bad and then think that I would just always want you. I will never understand that & to this day I think about it. I'm not mad at you anymore, and I haven't been for a while. I am just curious why you would choose to hurt somebody that was nothing but nice to you.

what comes, what goes.

2011-01-04T00:44:00.000-08:00

Growing up is all about being confused. I wouldn't believe anybody who claims they've got it all figured out. I think about challenges and the times we can't help the way our feelings are. Sometimes we trick ourselves, lie to ourselves, try to make ourselves feel better.

Trying to stay away from this unforbidden fruit.

fake vs. ___________

2010-12-12T20:30:00.001-08:00

i will never understand why people try to act like they've been doing something longer than they really have or liking something longer than they really have. what is the freaking point of being fake about it? i can accept that people may change and things may change.. a lot. but i will never understand why people think that they need to act like they know it all about everything, when they don't. it's like.. okay i don't really care if you're all into raving now. but you don't have to act like you've been doing it for years and shit blahblahblah, make up a story about how LONG you've been raving. it doesn't matterrrrr. and then i love how people will hate on things that they used to be. yeeeeeah, i could seriously go on forever. i get that people can laugh at themselves, but why be ashamed of something that you once were/liked/enjoyed? i know all of us must be really searching for ourselves, but i feel like a lot of us get sooo caught up in image and self-representation that we forget about who we really are.

and that just sucks.

what is the point of being fake or placing yourself above others? in the end insecurities will always be there, so just be real. be yourself. there is nobody else.

feelings.

2010-12-11T00:06:00.000-08:00

sometimes i honestly wonder if there is something wrong with me.

why do i even care so much? why am i this way? why am i that? blah blah blah.

sometimes i really feel inadequate and irrelevant, which is stupid because other times i know i am a really beautiful, intelligent and worthwhile young woman.

i hate that i can be so emotional. i hate hate hate crying, even though i do it a good amount of the time. i hate that i can't help but cry sometimes. i feel so weak. even though i learned that crying is okay and it feels good sometimes. i still hate to cry. i hate when tears fall uncontrollably no matter how much i try to stop them. they just fall. that is the worst. because i hate for people to feel bad for me, more than i feel bad for myself.

i'm really just trying to express myself right now, but i honestly don't know what i'm trying to say.

i guess i'm just saying that i am only human. i have emotions. i don't have an on/off switch. i get confused. i get angry. i get upset. for reasons that sometimes i don't even know.. i'm still figuring things out.

so please,

try to understand..

i'm still trying to understand.

motivate.motivate.

2010-11-22T00:14:00.000-08:00

i gotta keep movin' and not get caught up in my irrational fears and thoughts. so here i goooo. i got plans and goals. i wanna achieve them, but for some reason i feel like i have talked more than i walked... which sucks. and i'm not going to sit here and say "but this time it's different." although i'd really like to think that it IS different this time. sometimes i forget about being motivated... a.k.a. i get super lazy. it's a pattern. i realize that. i've realized that. over and over. but honestly i am 20 years old and i know i am destined for big... huge.. amazing things and the happiness that i've always dreamed of. and i'm destined to create that for myself.

i'm the only one that knows. i'm the only one that can create it. i'm the only one that can take control of my life.

i hope that my words might be helpful for anybody struggling or feeling like it's not enough. or that you haven't done enough..

1.2.3.

motive-8.

ALRIGHT! i must go to sleep now.. my boyfriend has been snoring for like 2 hours, as i've been trying to "study" for my bio exam. he is the heaviest sleeper in the world.

i love him. + the funny faces he makes when he sleeps. i'm going to go place our stuffed animals in his arms :p <3

unbelievable.

2010-11-18T16:31:00.000-08:00

I am so, so grateful and lucky to have found the most amazing guy that a girl could ever have. I really believe that what we have is special in every single way possible.. and I couldn't be more happy. It's crazy how things have worked out for us. I love our friendship. I love our relationship. I love our story. I love being with him and all the times we've spent and things that we've learned together. I know I probably sound like such a mushy freak obsessed with her boyfriend but I honestly don't care because I am so happy that I couldn't care less what other people think. I think we have a wonderful thing going on and I can't get it out of my head. <3

SMACKS FOREHEAD

2010-08-03T17:22:00.000-07:00

I don't even know how I let my insecurities get in the way TWICE today. I am a beautiful carefree & worthwhile little butterfly & my purpose is to love and accept myself unconditionally while living each day to the fullest. <3

I can be such a fool sometimes.. I know I'm not perfect, but I am learning all the time.

Middle finger to my insecurities. forreal. what the fuuuuu*

questionable?

2010-08-03T03:49:00.000-07:00

don't you hate to make something out of nothing?

but what makes something, something & nothing, nothing?

sometimes my mind wanders-- and i have to go find it & bring it back.

i don't have to worry.

right?

damnit.

2010-07-31T14:38:00.000-07:00

so right now i just really feel like whining and complaining because i still have not gotten the answers i want. it seriously sucks wanting something so bad and finding out you just might not be able to have it. but i know, i know.. i'm not always gonna get what I want. what the fuck?! i hate that i can be so overly analytical when things take longer than i expect it. i hate feeling angry at things i can't control. i might as well say that i hate being human.

alright. enough of this. i really am feeling the need to go meditate or something.

ooooooh! life!

2010-06-16T14:40:00.000-07:00

are you on dope? Yes.

what kind? musical dope.

do you get high? Yes.

off of what? music.

are you on a trip or something? Yes.

what kind of a trip? music.

* * * *

sometimes life can be so freakin' unexpected.

i kinda like it though.

not like this is any new news.. but i need a job. lol.

who do you think i think i am?

2010-06-14T09:46:00.001-07:00

nobody is ever gonna stop talking.. so i'm gonna keep being me & you should keep being you.

sometimes things are said that sting or hurt. not everybody realizes the impact of their words. at the same time, things should never be taken personally. the only thing personal is your self.

remember that.

& the early bird gets the worm.

Ready or not.

Here I come.

BE.

2010-06-13T13:14:00.001-07:00

i've realized the happiest i ever am is when i'm doing what i want and when i don't feel like i'm compelled to do what others want or what i'm expected to be. i don't want to be like anyone else. i want to stand out. i remember as a kid, i always wanted to blend in.. people would say that it was good to be unique, but i just thought that was the most ridiculous thing ever. it's crazy to think how i did not want to be in my own skin at all. as corny as it may sound, when i remember how much i used to hate myself, it makes me love myself that much more. i don't think anybody really realizes how their insecurities may have gotten in the way of living life. i feel like i've come a long way, even if i still have a ways to go. i'm proud of who i've become, and who i'm becoming. i may not be perfect, and i may not be exactly who i wanted to be when i was a little girl. i'm becoming exactly who i should be.

me.

butterfly<3

you don't get it.

2010-05-17T23:53:00.001-07:00

Tell me what you know about no pain, no gain? I'm the kinda girl that likes to play with fire and dance in the rain.

Life has been good. Stressful at times. sucky sometimes. up and down, all around. quiet, lonely, annoying, crazy, amazing, bizarre, interesting, challenging, ridiculous, spontaneous, d i f f e r e n t all the time...

hm. That's life! it's great to be alive.

IAMAbeautifulcarefreeworthwhile&pureyoungwoman.

butterfly<3

for what it's worth.

2010-05-06T20:20:00.000-07:00

I'm really hoping this is the last time that I feel so broken, but I know im just lying to myself if I believed that.

The truth is when we fall in love we must accept that one day this thing called love could end. Just like anything else in life, things could change. Something that was once seen as beautiful, could turn so ugly, twisted and/or complicated that we don't even recognize it anymore. We must accept that one day we might get hurt. This is a cost of falling in love, but at the same time we take this risk.. Because love isn't always ugly. However, it's hard to see why we got into something when all we see is misery. It's difficult to remember...we just don't want to.

They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all. I guess I agree with this, even though right now.. I'm wishing the opposite. I know, though, that this is all part of my process and that I will eventually see this as an opportunity to learn and grow. Perhaps one day I'll understand.. But as for right now...

I'm just hurt.

But I'm not going to let myself hurt over this for long... because if it was meant to be, then it would be... and I can't try so hard or throw myself at something when I'm just going to get hurt over and over again. It's not fair. I need to move on... even though at times I feel like I can't. I know I am strong.

So here I am.. I just bared my heart and soul. You probably still don't care.

"when your love has gone,

2010-05-04T19:59:00.000-07:00

you carry on. this is a song for no one."

having been hurt again and again. having fallen in love again & again.

i can honestly say, that it's been a rocky road filled with smiles, laughs, trials and tears.

many times i've thought to give up, but i couldn't.

having bared my heart & soul... being so comfortable but uncomfortable at the same time.

can't help but wish sometimes that we never got into this. wonder what things would be like if we had never been.

but then again, i think of all the wonderful times and i realize that it may have been all worth it.

i have NO IDEA where we are now. so confused. i wish it never got so confusing, and things just stayed simple. i don't even know where all this is coming from 'cos it seems like things were just fine a bit ago.

story of it all. one endless cycle of tears and joy.

rather be abandoned than alone.

2010-04-27T19:52:00.001-07:00

i know change only happens to those who take action, but what about when i don't know what actions to take?! i'll admit it now that i feel lost. i don't know how things got this way. i really think that whoever is out there is trying to test me by throwing all these curveballs at me... and i know that sitting here and crying about it isn't going to do anything. the truth is, i haven't felt so sad, lost or misunderstood in a long time. i haven't cared so much to be understood for awhile either. i've came to believe that if i know who i am and what i stand for then that is all that matters. however, there comes times where it feels like it's me against the world and it's easy to fall victim to what others say or think.

i'm trying really hard to be a good person. i know that nobody is perfect, although many times i wish i was.

but then again if i were perfect, i'm sure that would give many more reasons to hate me.

God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can, & the wisdom to know the difference.

Just for today, amen.

what is that you wanted?

2010-04-26T00:32:00.000-07:00

you think you got me so confused. but ya know.. i'm just a girl tryna do my own thing.. live my life and find what's good in it. you think that you can just walk back in and things are just gonna be the same, but i got news for ya.. it ain't. i may get confused, but i'm no fool..& i'm not gonna do things the way that anyone else do.

you think you're different? we're all different.

and i am glad as fuck--definitely not the same as you.

if you think this is about you...

you're probably right.

hahaha. ohhh the irony.

when everyone turns away.

2010-04-24T14:11:00.000-07:00

i wish that people would be there for me as much as i try to be there for others, but i guess i really can't rely on anybody. okay.. that's not true, but the truth is there are times the whole world seems to turn its back on you. and when that happens, your mind has to be prepared. it's not that i'm afraid to be alone. i'm pretty sure i've learned to be on my own at times and it's not that bad. of course i'd rather have a companion, but that's not always an option.

i'm pretty sure i spent half of my coachella on my own. i didn't really mind it much, until the sun went down and then i think i got kinda scared. i'm just a lil girl! but yeah.. i know i'm jumping around a lot... lots on my mind.

home is supposed to be a place where you feel the most comfortable. isn't it? that's why people say they miss "home" or to make yourself feel at "home." but what happens when home becomes a place you want to run from, or the last place that you want to be?

don't tell me you know what i'm going through.

you have absolutely no idea.

this isn't about you.

2010-04-11T18:39:00.000-07:00

this is about me. i won't make the same mistake twice. what i need is to find myself... not find out who you think i am. i want to know myself.. if you want to know me too, then that's up to you. this is my dream. my movie. my story. let's not get it twisted. there will be bumps, there will be fuck-ups, mishaps and mistakes... however, i'll try not to get so discouraged. this is my life. it will be the way i want it to be.

"who wants to be riding high

when you'll just crumble back on down.

you give up everything you are,

& even then, you don't end up far.

they make believe that everything

is exactly what it seems

but at least when you're at your worst,

you know how to feel things."

just because.

2010-04-07T10:20:00.001-07:00

In the words of Common, "If I don't like it, I don't like it.. that don't mean that I'm hatin."

If I talk to you and am friendly with you, it does not mean that I want to go out with you. Just because I am nice to you at first, does not mean I want to talk to you forever or all the time or at any time. I may decide not to place myself around you anymore or talk to you anymore; however, I do not feel like this is me "playing games."

It's so interesting quickly someone can just assume they know you through so many first impressions. How could you even begin to "know" ME through my blog, facebook, twitter, my clothes, aim, text.. if you have never even attempted to SPEAK to me? Communication is so flawed nowadays, but I guess that's just the way we do now. I'll admit I've fallen into this, but it's something to think about.

(For myself.)

Maybe to others, it may seem that nothing has changed... but to me, a lot has. I feel so different than the way I felt a year ago. I really didn't give a fuck. I feel like I was at such a low that it didn't matter. Although I know I'm not at my "prime" or whatever, I'm not judging myself on how long it's taking me to grow up. We all learn things on our own time, and I'm just doing me! So yeah, anyone out there...if you're trying to change anyone, maybe you should take a fine look at yourSELF because that is the only person you really have full control over. And if you can't love yourself, then you can't love anybody.

BY THE WAY. who the fuck is from MENTONE?! where the fuck is that anyways. Thanks for super creepin on my blog all the time.. lmao. Reveal yourself!

who are you?

2010-04-03T21:36:00.000-07:00

I used to think that going out as much as possible was a measure of how great or cool of a person I was. Thankfully, I've grown out of that.

You may think everybody is your friend; however, if you have no clue who you are at the end of the day without the help of others-- You are just as lost as you pretend not to be.

"I can't come down.. even if you wanted me to."

stay humble.

2010-03-30T23:32:00.000-07:00

sometimes it seems as if i have everything under control. i start to think that everything is working out. i become overly excited and forget what it's like to feel down. i start feeling all high & mighty, like i'm on the top of the world.

but then...

something happens. something doesn't go my way. things may seem like they're starting to crumble. i feel confused again.

wasn't it just last week that i was feeling so confident?

and right now i feel as if there was never anything different.

humility.

even when things get better than good, it's still important to remember what i did to get to where i am.

one step at a time. i can figure out where i am and where i'm going again.

life is a journey, not a destination.

where is my head?

2010-03-30T16:25:00.000-07:00

it shouldn't be like this and i'm really annoyed at myself that it is.

every time i think i got it all handled... i feel like i'm actin like a fool.

why do i even care? i thought things were cool.

i most definitely think too much and it is a proooooblem!

i must submerse myself into everything else besides THIS.

ohhhhh! this is embarrassing!

stress.

2010-03-29T00:53:00.000-07:00

lowercaselock.

just when you think you know just where you're gonna go.. life turns on you and makes you to find other directions. it's all part of the learning process... the one that i don't always want to go through. why must we always learn the hard way? sometimes it takes f o r e v e r to learn. there are so many things that i've thought i've learned... but really i just forgot it the second i thought i learned it. HA. sound familiar?

so the sad story is we might lose, get hurt, trampled on or laughed at.

but eventually,

we'll learn all that we need to know to have our own happy ending.

t a k e y o u r t i m e .

perfectionist.

2010-03-27T15:14:00.000-07:00

i'm pretty sure we all would love to be perfect.. maybe some more than others. i wonder what would happen if everything was perfect. would we be happy or bored? would it really be perfect, or do we even really know what perfect is? i'm pretty sure perfect is relative, just like anything else in life. what is good? what is bad? everyone has their own answers.

i do believe in perfect moments though. times where everything seems to be exactly how i want. i disagree with those who say perfection doesn't exist. i believe that perfection takes time, and that it may not ever last forever... but it is what it is.

perfect could turn into disaster, but that shouldn't discredit what you thought it was.

nothing is permanent. change is constant.

perfect > disaster > perfect > disaster = life.

"no i'll never come back down, down from here."

words to live by.

2010-03-26T10:53:00.000-07:00

if we spend our whole lives rushing to get to the next thing, we're gonna end up old and wishing that we took the time appreciate the little things in life like the sunshine & the butterflies. live in the moment, prepare for the future, and learn from the past. feel the music, dance to the music, live in the music. make each day count; find out who you are: accept it & love it. be who you want to be, do what you want to do. forget what everyone expects, do the unexpected and enjoy every second of it.

who says FML still? no no no. it's 2010. LML!!

" there will come a time in your life where you will ask yourself a series of questions... am i happy with who i am ? am i happy with the people around me ? am i happy with what i'm doing ? am i happy with the way my life is going ? do i have a life ? or am i just living ? do not let these questions restrain or trouble you. just point yourself in the direction of your dreams. find your strength in the sound... and make your transition. "

the only one you'll fool is yourself.

2010-03-22T02:29:00.000-07:00

i'll start with the conclusion:
i don't know everything.

good things happen to the people that believe that they will.
I crrrrave simplicity.
but all i get back is complexity.
complexsimplicity always gettin' the best of me.

hey, 3 months til i turn 20! i'm still a lil kid. lol. i'm learning though.

<3
there's hope for the hopeless.

irrelevance.

2010-03-16T22:53:00.000-07:00

thoughts become scarce and therefore become irrelevant,

but you and i know better.

who is it i'm talking about?

i don't know either.

i remember a time when i used to feel so sure, but now it's turn to less than going with the flow.. but jumping from place to place & not knowing exactly where to go. why does everybody else have an idea?

i have an idea, but i keep getting lost.

i thought i could help you. you thought you could change me.

they said if you love something, let it go.

i don't know about that. seems pretty stupid sometimes.

what do i know?

2010-02-18T17:08:00.000-08:00

honestly...

i don't know what i'm even looking for.

i just know that i haven't found it yet, or i wouldn't feel like this.

i wouldn't feel like things just aren't right. i do realize that things happen and things change; but, why am i just not informed sometimes? it seems like i am just smacked in the face with the fact that things are different, and i didn't get the memo. am i just a stone sitting in the currents getting tossed along and shaped as i go? what if i don't want that? a stone can't move. that's how i feel. why have i felt so stuck?

i don't want to feel stuck anymore; but, it's so hard to pull myself out.

it seems like every time i try to pull myself out, i get pulled back into the currents.

* * * *

you know what i hate the most? crying. ever since i got back from cross creek, i feel like all i do is CRY. CRY CRY. cry about the littlest damn things. why am i so fucking sensitive? i mean, a good cry is nice once in a while... but i'm really over crying about the same thing all the time.

/endvent.

what is anyone really thinking?

2010-01-08T23:06:00.002-08:00

nobody ever really knows.

sometimes, my thoughts go so quickly. i forget before i even can try to remember.

sometimes i think that it's better that way.

giver.

2010-01-07T14:52:00.001-08:00

how much do you give until you give too much?

i hadn't even thought i crossed the line.

seems as if there's such a fine line between selfish and selfless.

it's not even just material things.. the things that money can and can't buy.

i thought i tried to give it all. but now i'm wondering, why the fuck did i risk it all?

if not all, a lot... just for love.

because i thought,

i think...

that most of the time it's worth it

so, they say...

love can make you do crazy things.

yeah.

the longest drive home.

2010-01-06T11:57:00.000-08:00

i can't stop thinking.

things are not the way i want them to be.

they haven't been,

but i've been trying to deal with them.

love can make you feel and do the craziest things.

sometimes i forget who i am now...i thought i knew exactly.

but times like these i feel so, so confused.

and what we're doing seems to be so CRAZY.

i can't help it. i can't change it. things are so different... and not the kind of different i wanted.

it seems as if we pushed it so far for "love."

But what is love?

if it makes others so angry at us for being in "love" then maybe we shouldn't.

we really shouldn't.

it's insane that i should even care about what others think.

im angry because i can't be selfish about the one i love.

im upset because the one that i love can't fight for me.

i'm torn between the one i love and the life i want.

too bad. so sad.

all we know is falling.

2009-12-26T21:29:00.000-08:00

here we are again, at the beginning.

but this beginning is the end, the one that i never wanted to happen.

i can't say much. i don't know what to say.

i fell in love, and now i need to learn how to fall out of it.

i'm sorry in advance if i seem like, miserable.

sucky, sad story.

is it always how we imagine?

2009-12-01T17:55:00.000-08:00

i really might just confuse myself more than anybody else.

what you never understand

2009-11-07T13:12:00.000-08:00

is not always misunderstood.

fuck you, dad.

all we know.

2009-10-19T18:00:00.001-07:00

i never wanted to look at what was falling apart. maybe i thought it was all going to be okay. i guess now it's time to start.

i'd never felt like that before.

i've never felt like this before.

i don't want to feel this any more.

i've heard it only feels bad in the beginning.

;that every day it gets better.

;that nobody believes it will.

but it doesn't really matter.

because

i feel.

so broken.

right now.

and some broken things are hard to fix...

if they can be fixed at all.

The leaves are changing,

2009-10-02T13:36:00.000-07:00

and so am I.

For most, it is perceived to be believed that age puts a time limit on us. Who ever said there was a time limit on how fast or slow you had to grow up?

it's time!

2009-10-01T01:50:00.000-07:00

it's about time i've come out of my shell once again and surprised you (as in whoever loves to reads this or happens to stumble upon it once in awhile) a piece of my thoughts.

it seems as if the times you least expect things, they fall into place. it's like when you're trying to solve a 1,000 piece puzzle and you don't know where to start. you keep flipping over pieces, moving them around to see if they fit. sometimes you give up, or stop giving a fuck. you start to wonder why you even started doing the puzzle in the first place. there doesn't seem like a 'right' place to start. everything seems like it fits WRONG.

sometimes you just need to step back and look at the big picture...

more than once.

a few times.

maybe for a WHILE.

and even then, sometimes it still seems confusing at times. it could take you so much longer than you think it should.

i don't know if "you" (whoever "you" are) can relate...but i definitely can.

it's hard for me to see what i'm trying to create sometimes.

i get really, really confused.

but, i'm realizing that i feel most at peace when i know what makes me happy and how to just find happiness in little things.

sounds so cheesy.

i don't care what it sounds like.

j'aime l'otomne!

no subject

2009-09-17T22:02:00.000-07:00

what happens now?

i wouldn't know.

i forgot what putting iTunes on shuffle does...

it's like it knows what songs that will just trigger all the emotions.

I just know.

2009-09-16T16:13:00.000-07:00

some think...

some things we just find naturally boring.

some things we grow tired of, and become... naturally boring.

so what keeps things from becoming boring?

ME.

YOU.

US.

just a thought.

****

i love you.

see, here's the thing...

2009-09-09T02:09:00.000-07:00

there's nothing really to be sad about.

but for some reason, i feel sad sometimes.

it's crazy because sometimes i'm so quick to snap out of it that i'm just wondering,

"why the fuck did i just think that or feel that or say that? that was completely untrue."

or maybe it was true at that particular moment in time, but not anymore.

or maybe it is again.

here's another thing.

THINGS CHANGE.

surprise!

and i've found that it's okay to think about things, even miss people for a while but then there just comes a time where you need to float back on to present.

it's sad that we can't take every single friend we meet along the way. and it's a shame that some people aren't who we really think they are. it's hard when you thought you knew someone, but they turned out to be someone completely different than you thought.

everything happens for a reason.

c'est la vie.

it's really sad that i'm not used to having priorities again. welcome back to life, ysabelle.

how do we make time?

2009-09-06T15:14:00.000-07:00

"Nothing ever becomes real 'til it is experienced."

everyday we must learn something new.

today, i learned that even if i think i'm afraid of being alone... a lot of the time i'd rather be alone.

(besides being with you)

i have a lot to do.

i need to learn how to "make" time.

but all in all, i'm glad i'm back to school.

or i know i will be.

remember this feeling.

2009-08-26T01:40:00.003-07:00

this is a feeling that nothing or nobody could take away from me.

let's hope it stays, even when tomorrow comes.

a drive.

2009-08-23T11:50:00.000-07:00

we smile and laugh as the album plays. i look at you a million ways.

we tell childhood times, or funny times... any times, actually.

we talk about now. the future. everything.

sometimes we think we talk too much. an awkward silence is never enough.

sometimes we get confused and we'll laugh at each other.

sometimes we realize... what we're fighting over doesn't even matter.

"oh, this feeling," we say, could never be described.

i used to be a caterpillar, struggling to be alive. now i'm a butterfly, beginning to witness life from above.

this is why i embrace change.

it led me to love.

just a little bit.

2009-08-21T13:45:00.001-07:00

and just like that,

i forgot what i was talking about.

and where i was.

and who i was with.

undo.

uncomfortable.

unbelievable.

III. i couldn't believe what i just heard.

the music turned off...

but i still hear it.

and it was like i never heard it before.

it's

making

and more

sense.

i won't ever let it happen again.

i want to feel this way forever.

(contigo)

(avec toi)

(with you)

you never knew.

now you know.

love.

you.

i want:

higher knowledge.

happiness.

success.

more peace.

more love.

more unity.

more respect.

seeing life through brighter eyes.

this world.

2009-08-20T03:01:00.000-07:00

it won't stop for you. it won't wait for you. the world won't stop when you are down and out. some people leave just as quickly as they come in. some people don't know if they're in or out, up or down. it's never too late to start over. you've never learned enough. you've never heard enough. there's always room for improvement. people become what they hate, but only for a short while, only to learn -- we are 'only human.' and we were not born to be perfect all the time.

happiness exists.

perfection exists.

perfection exists in happiness.

t h i s i s f a t e

w r i t i n g i t s e l f o u t.

did i forget something?

2009-08-19T01:55:00.000-07:00

i used to be good at saying it the way it is.

the way things were seemed so clear now that i think about it.

or maybe it didn't make sense at all, and i tried so much harder to make sense of it.

i am not so easily inspired these days to talk about things the way they are.

maybe i think too much nowadays. have i become too analytical?

have things changed? or am i still the same?

i wonder if it's bad that i ask so many questions now.

i know some questions, i could answer myself.

sometimes i look back at who i used to be and wonder why i'm not that anymore.

did i like it better? did you like it better?

am i thinking too much again?

i just read something, just now.

it reminded me of how i used to feel so much more sure of where i was.

even though, back then i thought that was so stupid.

it's like i wanted to feel lost.

and now i have to start over again.

remember.

i need to remember.

i'll be back with more.

soon.

if this is love

2009-08-15T14:27:00.000-07:00

then get me the fuck out.

* * * *

it doesn't feel any better,
but it doesn't feel any worse.

it is the worst feeling,

to feel nothing at all.

but it is what it is and i can't change the way anyone feels.

unfortunately, i never saw this coming.

but, i bet everyone else did.

congratulations, you win.

bad, worse, worst.

2009-08-15T13:08:00.000-07:00

shooting blanks.

i will be found.

2009-08-02T23:58:00.000-07:00

it wasn't hard to find me before;

so, i will find myself again.

* * * *

sometimes i get so mad, i want to stay mad.

i know this is unfair, but you are sometimes too.

he wishes we were perfect. but i know i am not.

i wish we were perfect. but i know we are not.

i question things when they aren't right.

who doesn't?

i want to remember the way it was.

i want it to be the same.

i don't want things to change.

and if they do, i just want them to get better.

we hate when we fight... but we do.

times like these make me feel halfway to hopeless.

i get scared sometimes.

i wish i didn't.

* * * *

if only we could be what we always wanted to be.

oh! but we can.

nobody said it's easy all the time.

* * * *

~~it's so much easier nowadays for people to hide how they're actually feeling.~~

BE REAL.

who cares if that means tears.

maybe not always.

2009-07-24T00:13:00.000-07:00

sometimes i feel like not enough. sometimes i feel like i'm too much.

i thought, with you, i felt just right.

not tonight.

confused.

2009-07-21T14:20:00.001-07:00

i wish i could be a kid again.

i really, really wish i could.

but then again, when i was a kid...i couldn't wait to grow up.

i wish it wasn't like that.

i am 19 years old,

and i'm still not completely sure what i want to do in life.

i didn't know right away when i was in 1st grade.

i've known i want to do many things.

help people, speak 4 different languages, do hair and make-up, take pictures, write.

is it bad that i don't know what i want to do yet?

am i wasting my life?

i don't think so.

but some people might.

i know i shouldn't care what some people think.

but i do care, about what some people think.

not everyone.

mmk. that's all i have to say right now.

ps. this is the first time i've felt so strongly emotional about this. hence, why i wrote this and posted it.

pps. this will probably be made private soon, so eat up all my emotions while you can.

the greatest song.

2009-07-20T14:04:00.000-07:00

. you know when you hear a song and you wonder how it is that somebody could have possibly come up with it because it's so amazing? and every time you hear it, you just want to jump up and down, bob your head, clap your hands and say YEAH!!!!! you want to listen to it all the time, because every time you hear it, you hear it a different way...and it never gets old.

that is how i feel i feel about Neil Belen.

he's the best song i've ever heard.

and i am so happy that i found him.

if not, then what?

2009-07-15T13:15:00.001-07:00

type, type, type...delete.

talk talk talk... take it back.

you can't do that.

waiting.

2009-07-05T21:39:00.000-07:00

i hardly write in this thing anymore.

i don't know. sometimes i feel like writing helps, but sometimes i don't even know what i'm talking about, and that is just silly. i think that's the problem with a lot of us sometimes. we just talk and talk and talk but sometimes you just really have to think.

what i've been thinking about;

i'm really sick of doing nothing. i've been doing nothing for awhile now and as much as i don't like to admit it; i haven't really been acting on anything. and if there's anything i have not favored--for lack of better words--it is people that don't do shit. i know that fear and laziness are the worst excuses, they aren't even excuses. thinking back on half the shit i've been doing, i almost get angry. i need, want, crave, am going to get BALANCE. i wish finding a job was easier... but then again, i'm not really looking. this is all just stupid. i shouldn't be waiting for anyone to tell me to do things. i really detest that.

anyways, it's back to the basics for me. hopefully.

i am a beautiful, carefree & worthwhile young woman.

my purpose is to love and accept myself unconditionally while living each day to the fullest.

sometimes i feel like i've really lost sight of what's important and what i want in life.

i think it slowly comes back in pieces and i guess that's the way i'm going to learn for myself.

i wish i didn't feel like i wasted so much time, but then again... there's never a better time to start, than now.

righttttt . ! ? . ! ?

over it.

2009-07-03T09:35:00.000-07:00

Have you ever just felt like you were trying so hard to win someone's approval that you didn't know what to do anymore?

I know sometimes you really do have to suck up and pretend to be nice, but sometimes I just get to the point where im over it because none of it seems to work.

I want to keep trying, but I feel like I need to be constantly sacrificing my happiness. It's really not fair anymore.

I wish I could just be accepted, but that is just not going to happen.

I never thought this would get to me so bad. I never thought id be in this kind of situation...

I don't know why I'm so sad. Well, I do...but, I wish it wasn't because of that.

when my mind runs wild.

2009-07-01T19:51:00.000-07:00

have you ever just felt angry at everything? it seems like everything is going WRONG WRONG WRONG, and you just want to scream out,

FUCK EVERYTHING.

it seems so stupid later, right? i know. i know there's ways of preventing this, but sometimes i just let loose. it's such a bad habit. there is never really one person that will just listen... eventually they get annoyed and just stop listening, or they get mad and say shit back to you. i guess i need to start writing in notebooks more, because online blogging just isn't cuttin it.

i really don't know whether i'm thinking too hard, or i can't think at all.

all i know is i'd rather be with you,

than without you.

and that it makes me mad when im mad at you because i don't want to be mad at you.

familiar yet unknown territory.

2009-06-20T12:34:00.000-07:00

i wish i didn't feel like things were changing in a way that i didn't want them to. but i guess i really can't hold onto how things used to be all the time and just enjoy what the present is giving to me. i know that i'm not the only one that feels like this sometimes, but i guess i just have to remember the good and bad times for what they were, and are. i don't know if anyone really ever understands what i'm saying. sometimes when i feel like i am making perfect sense is when i feel like nobody is getting it.

but if you are, great!

anyways, isn't that what life is? experiencing things over and over but in different ways, so hopefully we know how to handle things better each time. i hate losing friends... even if sometimes i start to realize the "friends" i'm losing weren't really friends to begin with. it's still sad that we just fall apart or choose different people or things that seem more important.

i've noticed there are people i know will be there for the rest of my life. and that is just an amazing thing to think about... that there is going to be people there that can say "remember that time..." !!!

but really, for the people that have gone in and out, or left my life. it's not like i'm belittling your presence in my life at all, because i know i met you for a reason. i know that you were meant to be in my life or i was meant to be in yours, for something, even if i didn't know then or don't know now.

so, in a few days i will be another year older... last night i had a talk with my brother and it was a good one. he said 19 is a hard year.

but i said,

i am ready.

10 months

2009-06-18T00:42:00.000-07:00

since i came home from cross creek.

shit's been crazy and definitely eventful, but i would not take back anything that has happened. even the crazy shit like getting kicked out, getting my car stolen..blah blahblah. all that shit has taught me so much and i am enjoying the person i am today, because i know despite anything, i am better off than i was before i left. so yeah. life has been fucking crazy, but i love it and i am so grateful to be home and alive and well :]

and, i have a job interview tomorrow, so i must get to the phone so i can talk to babyboy before i go to sleep.

ps. i love my sister. she graduated yesterday! yayyyyyy.

this is a messy post, 'till next time!

MY BIRTHDAY IS COMINGGG :]

expectations.

2009-06-15T19:46:00.001-07:00

i guess we'll never know exactly how much we affect each other.

this is really stupid...

and i don't know why i tell myself that i'm mad, because when it comes down to it the point of it all is so fucking nonexistent.

the worst part is i create all this on my own part through my stupid actions and words.

i guess i do just expect it all to be perfect.

but then again, shouldn't it be?

isn't that what we are?

but then again,

why am i the one going and making it all complicated?

maybe i just like getting hurt or something.

i know i don't. i know this is stupid. i'm just trying to make sense of it all.

how is it that one second i can be content and the next second i'm walking away not happy at all?

you are so easy to be with.

you are so difficult to leave.

you are so difficult to be with.

you are so easy to leave,

me.

in times like this,

i sometimes, frequently wonder what's going on in ~~people's heads~~ in your head.

oh Pride, you taste so bad and are always are so hard to swallow.

but i don't care.

i hate when things are like this and i resort to blogging because i can't talk to the only person that i ever really want to talk to.

which brings me back to this last quote that i always used to read when i was younger.

Who do you run to when the person you always run to is the person you're running from?

i don't know why i'm runnin. there's nothing to run from.

i just wish i knew why i act like such a dumbass sometimes.

and for this, world, i apologize.

i'm not as perfect as i expect myself to be,

i can even be a bit crazy.

this needs to stop.

2009-06-08T01:11:00.000-07:00

goodbye thoughts that bring me down.

hello sunshine and butterflies.

you'll never let me down.

i'm sorry that i strayed away for a good month or so.

please bring me back.

or let me bring myself back.

time to fly, like i've always meant to.

you won't hold me captive:

anxiety, anger, sadness, pain.

i don't have much to lose;

so much more to gain.

oh ya!

& you

make me smile

even when i'm feeling down.

thanks for that.

ps. memories don't fade.

not in this mind.

they just go away

for awhile.

bits and pieces.

2009-06-03T23:09:00.000-07:00

the rediscovering of feelings.

memories.

emotions.

what i tried not to feel.

what i wanted to feel for so long.

what i'll never understand.

the light's too bright.

nothing is connected.

everything is part of something.

it has nothing to do with this, but everything to do with you.

or maybe the opposite.

it's all about pride, nobody wants to give up.

so we turn away from each other, instead of embracing each other.

at 11:11, i'll wish for you instead of me.

sometimes it's hard to be selfish and just care about myself.

is that weird?

sometimes it's hard to be selfless,

and care about nobody else.

i feel sick to my stomach but i can't seem to stop.

i'm worrying, why are you not?

i forgot.

some things just fade.

where'd you go?

where'd i go?

motivate

2009-06-01T17:15:00.000-07:00

okay okay okay i need to really get off my computer.

because lately,

2009-06-01T00:15:00.001-07:00

i've been feeling so inadequate.

and it's hard to admit that.

it's hard to admit a lot of things.

to people... obviously i have a lot more to say to people i don't talk to anymore.

1. i wish things were how they used to be. but they just aren't. i worry about you sometimes too. but i can't tell you, i don't want you to get mad and say i don't know... maybe i don't know.

2. you bring out the best and worst in me. and sometimes i wish i didn't care so much about you. because sometimes i feel like i am so close to being nothing to you.

3[to infinity] you don't know who i am at all. and i wish i could show you, but i hardly know much at all at the moment either.

4. i don't know you anymore. i don't know if i ever did. you were such a big part of my life before, and when i came home i thought you would be... but really, now, you are just another part of the past. sad, i feel like our friendship was now a waste of time. i'm sorry. i know people change, but i never expected you to be such an asshole after everything we've been through. i just thought of this. you'll never know i guess.

5. i go in and out of giving a shit about you as a person. considering that you don't seem to have any respect whatsoever for the way i feel. you are so confusing and superficial sometimes. i wish i could just tell you everything. i wish you were open for that. too bad, it's really too bad.

6. i don't know where you are anymore. i hope your life is going okay, and you've found someone or something that truly makes you happy.

honestly. there's so many people that come in and out of my life. i don't know why i'm still not used to it. i haven't felt this way in so long.

nothing else that i can put into words on here.

waiting on the steps

2009-05-30T17:43:00.000-07:00

Every car that passes by
I wish it were you
The time is ticking ever so slowly
But its almost been another hour
How I wish you were here
Another car
Another face
Not you

Where are you?
Im trying ever so hard to be patient.

But I miss you dear.

what nobody ever knew

2009-05-30T00:04:00.000-07:00

I fell for you
So hard that I didn't even realize
The look in your eyes
We are meant to be
We will always be
You said,
"Be quiet,"
I said,
"You need to speak up."
Miscommunication over
Such distance
You wish it wasn't so.
So I get scared that it is always close to the end.
But you don't ever forget to remind me
"We could be forever."
You forgot to tell me this time.

Im sorry im thinking too much
that it doesn't even make sense.

Great.

I hope you fell asleep, and you're not just proving me right.

Sometimes I hate to be right.

so different.

2009-05-28T07:27:00.001-07:00

Life has changed so much for me in almost every way, I never stopped to realize. I haven't even taken the time. Simple, little moments such as lying on my bed listening to music, writing in a notebook, taking a walk, taking some time for thoughts ... I feel like im always rushing and my thoughts don't even have a chance. All this has just made me feel stuck, and not know who I am. I have become a slightly bitter and distasteful person, as much as I am happy, I feel like I have been missing something, or avoiding something. I'm not so sure. I don't want to wait and have it smack me on the right side of the head though. I've already realized and world: don't you doubt me. I am ready.

if perfect existed,

2009-05-26T12:17:00.000-07:00

it'd be you.

i've spent my life, looking for something else.

something else to make me feel..

anything...

less empty, more of something else.

and then i found you.

...or you found me.

i used to tell myself that i didn't like you. i couldn't like you.

but then,

it hit me.

it's hard to say exactly how you've helped me, just by being the person who you are... and wanting what's best for me. it's crazy to even admit that you've helped me especially when i just want to say i hate you or leave me alone.

but...

you are, you are.

everything, you are.

and, i'm so happy you're in my life again.

NB.<3

know these things.

2009-05-25T11:48:00.000-07:00

Attttention: everybody that thinks they can hang but they can't.

Know your mind, know your body.
Know how much you can handle.

PLEASE.

And if you need help, why don't you just ask for it? Stop tryna be bigger than you are...that's what gets you so fucking FUCKED up.

These things are supposed to be fun and enlightening.
Let's keep it that way!

friday.

2009-05-24T18:41:00.001-07:00

deadmau5

tiefschwarz

moderat

destructo

1. i forgot how it felt, and it was the best way to rememberrrrrr.

2. he is the best ever and makes me feel :) allways.

3. i want to feel and see it over and over again...

until the next time!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT and i already miss it.

unknown.

2009-05-21T14:21:00.000-07:00

i am just a little girl reaching for something more than what my hands can grasp.

i dont know what i want right now.

impossible.

2009-05-19T10:30:00.000-07:00

"Can't ignore your aura cos it pulled me by the hand...like the moon pulled the tide and the tide pulled the sand."

There really is not much to say.

this sucks.

2009-05-19T01:27:00.000-07:00

I put my heart out there and you can just take whatever's left of me, k? And when you're done just tell me so I can close it back up so nobody sees.. Just in case you make a fool out of me just like the last one.

Is it really that difficult to be with me? Honestly. Im sorry if it is. I don't know what else to offer.

simplysabelle

The final stretch.

Letting it out of my hands!

Be great.

Think you know somebody.

Whoa.

silent drama.

Confusion:

This verse hits home.

A little at a time.

Patience.

Focusing on myself

ugh.

Full circle.

This is to..

Things to remember.

Let this be a reminder, to myself.

The truth.

i just wanna say

don't feel right.

That's love.

i hate that i'm here again.

can't stop some things.

just gotta keep moving.

lost.

i've been thinking...

i don't know you right now.

remember when..

strangers. best friends.

what comes, what goes.

fake vs. ___________

feelings.

motivate.motivate.

unbelievable.

*SMACKS FOREHEAD*

questionable?

damnit.

ooooooh! life!

who do you think i think i am?

BE.

you don't get it.

for what it's worth.

"when your love has gone,

rather be abandoned than alone.

what is that you wanted?

when everyone turns away.

this isn't about you.

just because.

who are you?

stay humble.

where is my head?

stress.

perfectionist.

words to live by.

the only one you'll fool is yourself.

irrelevance.

what do i know?

what is anyone really thinking?

giver.

the longest drive home.

all we know is falling.

is it always how we imagine?

what you never understand

all we know.

The leaves are changing,

it's time!

no subject

I just know.

see, here's the thing...

how do we make time?

remember this feeling.

a drive.

just a little bit.

this world.

did i forget something?

if this is love

bad, worse, worst.

i will be found.

maybe not always.

confused.

SMACKS FOREHEAD