Deep thinker.

Lately I've been trying very hard to control my thoughts. It is super strange because I feel like my mind just goes off in weird places at times. I'm sure we can all relate in some way. The mind is really such a powerful thing--besides certain biological matters-- I do trust and believe that all of us make a choice to feel the way that we do.

So if this is the case, I want to be happy and positive as much as possible. I want to feel fearless and resilient. Wait, wait... I will be happy, positive, fearless and resilient. When we were younger, they told us.. "You can be anything you want to be." Sadly, as I grew older, all I found myself upon was boundaries and reasons why I couldn't.

For some reason, or for many reasons... I feel life changing once again. I used to be afraid and unwilling to accept change. I used to hate change. However as I've experienced more, I have begun to see change in a different light. As inevitable as it is, it can be a beautiful and necessary element of growth. How does one grow without change?

It's sad to let go of the past sometimes because people who you once knew so well become strangers of the past. C'est la vie. People come and go into our lives for a reason and right now I feel so blessed.

I'm happy to be surrounded by (mostly) positive people and energy. Who really has time to waste on negativity? I know it would be a lie to say that my life is completely void of negativity but I would like to view my glass as half full than half empty....

Positive thoughts... positive vibes... positive life! I really believe that's true because I've lived it. I live it. I want it and I'll get it.

<3 nbsp="">

'Cause she don't give a fuck.

Lately I've been letting go a lot of my inhibitions. Some might see it as a bad thing, but I see it more of a HUGE sigh of relief. I feel like for a long time I've been closed off from the world and certain possibilities. Things were almost black and white, but I was floating in the grey.... at this time in my life, I am starting to accept the realm of endless opportunities and just enjoy being in the moment. It's sad to think about the feeling of complacency where things just start to feel so normal that it doesn't even seem like if you're growing or you're not. You're just there-- stagnant. Boring as fuck, probably in denial. I guess that's the point though. You only realize it once you've made it out.

It feels great to feel alive again and so incredibly empowered. You start to wonder where it all really comes from. Does it come from me? You? Everything around us....? I think all of the above.

Surround yourself with positive people and be positive. Stop caring so much about what everybody else thinks. Everyone thinks... it all boils down to what they choose to believe.

But really... sometimes...



Who really gives a fuck.

Positivity.

Life is full of so many surprises, growth and opportunity right now. It's so interesting how endings can become even better beginnings. I can't even begin to explain how much better of a person I feel I like I'm becoming. I feel like my eyes are just really open. It's sad that somehow my happiness begins to feel tainted because I think too far into the future or slip back into the past. I've been learning to trust being more in the moment but not getting stuck there.

Like I know and always will, life moves on whether you move with it or not. So are you gonna get up and keep moving or continue to stay stuck in what you have ultimately created for yourself?


Move along now.

&+ don't forget to smile!

I worry.

I worry about every single little thing. Worrying about things makes me feel like there's a chance that something won't go wrong. I've told myself that it's just in my nature, but lately I've been noticing that my worrying only gets me in the worst place possible because I eventually begin saying no to everything. It never occurred to me that worrying has brought me to a point where I don't want to be around other people or people may not want to be around me. 

But now... where do I go from here? How do you stop something that has become so embedded in your nature? Is there really something wrong with me?

Geez I ask way too many questions.

Just for today... please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the wisdom to know the difference.

Actions, motivations & lessons.

It is all too very often that one can get wrapped up in going through the motions, jumping through hoops... it seems as if it is just part of life. Some people might refer to this as being complacent... maybe even boring. I agree to a certain extent. All of us need to do things to get to where we want to go. Staying stagnant is a choice but also it is something that happens to the best of us.

One minute you could be so extremely motivated and ready to go, and the next minute life could knock you down so hard that you don't want to get back up. Sometimes opportunities arise and people fail to take them because of fear. How many times do I hear people say, "Just do it!" ?! However, not everyone is brave enough to do so.

****

I hope to make a conscious effort to better myself. It's difficult sometimes to take cold, hard looks at yourself... not just in the mirror, but at my actions and the relationships I've built or bridges I've burned with others. I realize that none of us are perfect, although we may aspire to be. There are people who seem perfect and it is easy to compare myself to them and feel ashamed at times.

Often I find myself wanting to go back and fix all these relationships and bridges I've burned... I don't want to feel burdened with the fact that I've lost so many friends. It's hard to accept that, but at the same time... life moves on. It's not that I am not cognizant of the fact that I've lost many friends (and maybe I am to blame.) However, I've recognized that I can't just live my life moving backwards and trying to pick up the pieces.

In addition to having swallowing my pride, I don't want to feel like I am making efforts to alleviate old problems because of what other people feel about me. In the end, I know I need to do what is best for me and trust that time and all of these experiences will shape me. I hope that in the end I have taught people something... or even had them teach me. Even if we do not talk, there is always a lesson to be learned.

It can be stunning to look back on your past and realize who is still there and who still isn't.




Thank you to an old friend for motivating me to blog one more time.
(:

Let's try this again.

I miss writing. I miss reading. I feel like life changes so quickly but almost discreetly that sometimes we don't even realize that it really is... until years go by and things seem different. It's like how we don't feel any older when a birthday passes, but then all of a sudden, you're not a kid anymore. People are always wishing to be older, more mature. It's sad that no matter how much we tell kids, "Enjoy it while you're young."  "You're going to wish you were a kid again one day..." They might never understand. Thus, we eventually turn 18 and realize.. "What was I really waiting for?" 19...20..21.. "WOO HOO!! YES!!!" Another milestone. Milestones go by so quickly and then realize, "Wow.. life is passing by so quickly."

I remember being a kid when the days passed by so slowly. It was like.. I was always waiting to go home from school. What time is it? What time is it?! Now the time goes by so fast, I feel like a whole day could slip through my fingers. Schedules could change daily, instead of yearly. It used to be just school, homework and play. Now it's like... school, work, sometimes I feel like too tired to even play!

I'm not sure what I'm even getting at. I think I was trying to talk about what I've been doing and why I haven't been writing on this thing. I think I stopped because I felt like it was getting way too personal. Ick. I guess I'm just going to try to keep em broad as possible. It doesn't always work out that way though... I talk way too much.

The final stretch.

Ahhhh it has come down to this. I can honestly say the last three months have been a whirlwind. I have loved, lost & gained so much than I ever thought I would. It has been a challenging road and I know there's still so much more ahead.. but I just figured it was time to take a little time to be grateful for everything that I've gone through. Every day I learn something new & I feel like I'm just growing so much more as a person. I gotta thank you even though you weren't there. I drew strength from what we had and what became broken. It seems annoying, to say the least, the amount of time I'd spend thinking about and talking about the loss of us... but I know now that it really was for the best. I look back on this and I notice that everything has happened just the way that it was supposed to. I am so grateful for my mother, who was there when I felt like my world was falling apart. Mornings when I thought that I just couldn't do it and I wanted to give up & go home. I don't think you understand how weak & frail I became at one point. I am grateful for my cousin who was a shoulder to cry on when nobody else was there. I am grateful for my friends who were there to listen even if it was repetitive. I am so grateful for myself, my life and for pushing myself to stay busy and focused even when I missed you, I still miss you... but I've accepted the present as a gift from the past to the future. Whatever time brings, I hope that I can stay on my feet. I hope that you've been holding up well too...

Thank you for everything. I am so blessed to live this life.