The final stretch.

Ahhhh it has come down to this. I can honestly say the last three months have been a whirlwind. I have loved, lost & gained so much than I ever thought I would. It has been a challenging road and I know there's still so much more ahead.. but I just figured it was time to take a little time to be grateful for everything that I've gone through. Every day I learn something new & I feel like I'm just growing so much more as a person. I gotta thank you even though you weren't there. I drew strength from what we had and what became broken. It seems annoying, to say the least, the amount of time I'd spend thinking about and talking about the loss of us... but I know now that it really was for the best. I look back on this and I notice that everything has happened just the way that it was supposed to. I am so grateful for my mother, who was there when I felt like my world was falling apart. Mornings when I thought that I just couldn't do it and I wanted to give up & go home. I don't think you understand how weak & frail I became at one point. I am grateful for my cousin who was a shoulder to cry on when nobody else was there. I am grateful for my friends who were there to listen even if it was repetitive. I am so grateful for myself, my life and for pushing myself to stay busy and focused even when I missed you, I still miss you... but I've accepted the present as a gift from the past to the future. Whatever time brings, I hope that I can stay on my feet. I hope that you've been holding up well too...

Thank you for everything. I am so blessed to live this life.

Letting it out of my hands!

Oh man.. today and tonight has been a huge relief. I actually feel like I'm moving forward and letting the chips fall where they may. I know what I'm worth.. I know what I wanna do. I know how I gotta get there... Two more weeks of school and three weeks of work.. I'm about to make it fuckin RAIN! I just gotta stay focused and motivated. I feel great right now.

Thank you. Universe... God.. whoever is out there helpin me out right now. I'm glad I have had faith in the process even though it's been hard.. I'm beginning to see the road ahead of me.

Good luck to anybody out there that is trying to find it. Keep searching... Life is full of many many surprises. & always remember... Life is a journey, not a destination.

Be great.

Never settle for anything less than what you deserve.

Always shine at your brightest & know your worth.

That's it for today (:

Think you know somebody.

The thing is that we're always changing. One second you think you know somebody and the next second you're questioning all their motives. It's been hard to me to draw the fine line between us and it sucks that I've put myself in a position where I just end up being more and more hurt because I don't know this person you've become. I thought that we were closer and had the ability to be more honest with each other but the truth is we're not. I know I shouldn't have expected something from nothing but at the time I just didn't believe that it was nothing. I guess this is where I finally draw the line because it's clear now what is really going on. I don't think we will ever really get over these loose or frayed ends because we created them. It is what it is though and I will learn to let go of it all and let it remain where it is. I know that time will heal all and that this will all in all give me wisdom and strength to be a better person. I feel it and I know this is true and I hope that in time comes a chance for me to be happy again with somebody new. I'm not going to spend any more time hoping for a loss cause. I am going to accept that I miss you, accept that things were real at one point and now they're not. I'm not going to try to make you see it anymore because it's only hurting me and that's not fair. My life is full of blessings and so many different things that I need to be focusing on rather than a faded memory of you & I. If you're not willing to make anything work, not even a friendship, then neither will I. Why would I want to sacrifice anything for your happiness when it's just tearing apart mine? Fuck that. Fuck this. I missed you time and time again, but this is really the end. Goodbye, fairweather friend.

Whoa.

You had me thinking that it was all my fault and that I was the one that needed to change....

but now I'm beginning to feel like you were the one that changed.

**

We are always growing & I guess we just grew apart. It's sad that I don't know why I didn't see it before... or love made me believe that it was something that it wasn't anymore. Why does love do that? I'm beginning to feel like I'm not a fan. I honestly believe at this moment, right now that being single is what I need. I feel like I'm finally coming to terms (finally!) with what is going on... Took long enough but at the same I feel like it went by pretty fast. I can't believe it's been a few months since all these drastic changes were made in my life. I think I'm doing pretty well for what I'm doing.. I could always be doing better, but that's just how life goes. At least I'm moving... now I just gotta continue on and try to strive higher on that road to success along that path of happiness.

Always getting higher.

Confusion:

is the name of the game;

but I don't wanna play it.

I feel like I climb so far only to fall back down a few steps again...

but it's my own fault.

I know I need to stop this because I just end up hurting myself and confusing myself even more.

What the fuck?

I don't want to say shit,

& then I just expect myself to get over it?

We don't wanna feel used or confused, but that is where we both lose.

Crazy in the mind with a sense of calm at the same time,

Throwing our emotions down the drain just to seem sane.

Morning comes but the sun fades away,

bringing darkness to a new day.

How can we expect things to change if we're still playing this silly game?

Saying and doing things we can't take back,

Trying to move forward and not look back...

I want to stay, but I have to leave..

Leaving us stuck in the middle of this tangled web we weave.

As the leaves change color & fall to the ground,

I have begun to get used to you not being around.

Please don't make a sound.

Your voice might just lead me back to you.

I don't know if I want to hear the truth,

I have a feeling I already know.

Just wanna let it go.

I do too, but then we make it so hard.

What's going on in our minds.. in our hearts?

Right now, I can't even tell what's better-- together or apart.

A little at a time.

You never know, you know?

All you can ever do is try to change yourself for the better, and for yourself, nobody else.

I love this thing called life that I've been blessed with.

It's not always easy, that's for sure, but I know that all these challenges and hardships in the end make me a better person.

I know I'm stubborn, but I'm glad I have been able to open my mind and see.

I'm not saying I'm perfect.. far from it,

but I am grateful for all the lessons I've been learning about myself and others.

The main thing is that I need to learn how to be on my own.

I have always actually been on my own..

I have always had friends, but I think that it is in my comfort zone to keep to myself...

The truth is, I've always been afraid to let people in..

not knowing who I can trust because I learned a long time ago..

People lie.

Yet I've learned to try to see the bright side of things even when it looks like night.

What I'm tryin to say is that,

All you can ever do is trust yourself--before you try & trust or love anyone else.

One day this will all make sense.