familiar yet unknown territory.

i wish i didn't feel like things were changing in a way that i didn't want them to. but i guess i really can't hold onto how things used to be all the time and just enjoy what the present is giving to me. i know that i'm not the only one that feels like this sometimes, but i guess i just have to remember the good and bad times for what they were, and are. i don't know if anyone really ever understands what i'm saying. sometimes when i feel like i am making perfect sense is when i feel like nobody is getting it.

but if you are, great!

anyways, isn't that what life is? experiencing things over and over but in different ways, so hopefully we know how to handle things better each time. i hate losing friends... even if sometimes i start to realize the "friends" i'm losing weren't really friends to begin with. it's still sad that we just fall apart or choose different people or things that seem more important.

i've noticed there are people i know will be there for the rest of my life. and that is just an amazing thing to think about... that there is going to be people there that can say "remember that time..." !!!

but really, for the people that have gone in and out, or left my life. it's not like i'm belittling your presence in my life at all, because i know i met you for a reason. i know that you were meant to be in my life or i was meant to be in yours, for something, even if i didn't know then or don't know now.

so, in a few days i will be another year older... last night i had a talk with my brother and it was a good one. he said 19 is a hard year.

but i said,

i am ready.

10 months

since i came home from cross creek.

shit's been crazy and definitely eventful, but i would not take back anything that has happened. even the crazy shit like getting kicked out, getting my car stolen..blah blahblah. all that shit has taught me so much and i am enjoying the person i am today, because i know despite anything, i am better off than i was before i left. so yeah. life has been fucking crazy, but i love it and i am so grateful to be home and alive and well :]

and, i have a job interview tomorrow, so i must get to the phone so i can talk to babyboy before i go to sleep.

ps. i love my sister. she graduated yesterday! yayyyyyy.

this is a messy post, 'till next time!

MY BIRTHDAY IS COMINGGG :]

expectations.

i guess we'll never know exactly how much we affect each other.

this is really stupid...

and i don't know why i tell myself that i'm mad, because when it comes down to it the point of it all is so fucking nonexistent.

the worst part is i create all this on my own part through my stupid actions and words.

i guess i do just expect it all to be perfect.

but then again, shouldn't it be?

isn't that what we are?

but then again,

why am i the one going and making it all complicated?

maybe i just like getting hurt or something.

i know i don't. i know this is stupid. i'm just trying to make sense of it all.

how is it that one second i can be content and the next second i'm walking away not happy at all?

you are so easy to be with.

you are so difficult to leave.

you are so difficult to be with.

you are so easy to leave,

me.

in times like this,

i sometimes, frequently wonder what's going on in people's heads in your head.

oh Pride, you taste so bad and are always are so hard to swallow.

but i don't care.

i hate when things are like this and i resort to blogging because i can't talk to the only person that i ever really want to talk to.

which brings me back to this last quote that i always used to read when i was younger.

Who do you run to when the person you always run to is the person you're running from?

i don't know why i'm runnin. there's nothing to run from.

i just wish i knew why i act like such a dumbass sometimes.

and for this, world, i apologize.

i'm not as perfect as i expect myself to be,

i can even be a bit crazy.

this needs to stop.

goodbye thoughts that bring me down.

hello sunshine and butterflies.

you'll never let me down.

i'm sorry that i strayed away for a good month or so.

please bring me back.

or let me bring myself back.

time to fly, like i've always meant to.

you won't hold me captive:

anxiety, anger, sadness, pain.

i don't have much to lose;

so much more to gain.

oh ya!

& you

make me smile

even when i'm feeling down.

thanks for that.

ps. memories don't fade.

not in this mind.

they just go away

for awhile.

bits and pieces.

the rediscovering of feelings.

memories.

emotions.

what i tried not to feel.

what i wanted to feel for so long.

what i'll never understand.

the light's too bright.

nothing is connected.

everything is part of something.

it has nothing to do with this, but everything to do with you.

or maybe the opposite.

it's all about pride, nobody wants to give up.

so we turn away from each other, instead of embracing each other.

at 11:11, i'll wish for you instead of me.

sometimes it's hard to be selfish and just care about myself.

is that weird?

sometimes it's hard to be selfless,

and care about nobody else.

i feel sick to my stomach but i can't seem to stop.

i'm worrying, why are you not?

i forgot.

some things just fade.

where'd you go?

where'd i go?

motivate

okay okay okay i need to really get off my computer.

because lately,

i've been feeling so inadequate.

and it's hard to admit that.

it's hard to admit a lot of things.

to people... obviously i have a lot more to say to people i don't talk to anymore.

1. i wish things were how they used to be. but they just aren't. i worry about you sometimes too. but i can't tell you, i don't want you to get mad and say i don't know... maybe i don't know.

2. you bring out the best and worst in me. and sometimes i wish i didn't care so much about you. because sometimes i feel like i am so close to being nothing to you. 

3[to infinity] you don't know who i am at all. and i wish i could show you, but i hardly know much at all at the moment either.

4. i don't know you anymore. i don't know if i ever did. you were such a big part of my life before, and when i came home i thought you would be... but really, now, you are just another part of the past. sad, i feel like our friendship was now a waste of time. i'm sorry. i know people change, but i never expected you to be such an asshole after everything we've been through. i just thought of this. you'll never know i guess.

5. i go in and out of giving a shit about you as a person. considering that you don't seem to have any respect whatsoever for the way i feel. you are so confusing and superficial sometimes. i wish i could just tell you everything. i wish you were open for that. too bad, it's really too bad.

6. i don't know where you are anymore. i hope your life is going okay, and you've found someone or something that truly makes you happy.

honestly. there's so many people that come in and out of my life. i don't know why i'm still not used to it. i haven't felt this way in so long.

nothing else that i can put into words on here.