all we know is falling.

here we are again, at the beginning.

but this beginning is the end, the one that i never wanted to happen.

i can't say much. i don't know what to say.

i fell in love, and now i need to learn how to fall out of it.

i'm sorry in advance if i seem like, miserable.

sucky, sad story.

is it always how we imagine?

i really might just confuse myself more than anybody else.

what you never understand

is not always misunderstood.

fuck you, dad.

The leaves are changing,

and so am I.

For most, it is perceived to be believed that age puts a time limit on us. Who ever said there was a time limit on how fast or slow you had to grow up?

it's time!

it's about time i've come out of my shell once again and surprised you (as in whoever loves to reads this or happens to stumble upon it once in awhile) a piece of my thoughts.

it seems as if the times you least expect things, they fall into place. it's like when you're trying to solve a 1,000 piece puzzle and you don't know where to start. you keep flipping over pieces, moving them around to see if they fit. sometimes you give up, or stop giving a fuck. you start to wonder why you even started doing the puzzle in the first place. there doesn't seem like a 'right' place to start. everything seems like it fits WRONG.

sometimes you just need to step back and look at the big picture...

more than once.

a few times.

maybe for a WHILE.

and even then, sometimes it still seems confusing at times. it could take you so much longer than you think it should.

i don't know if "you" (whoever "you" are) can relate...but i definitely can.

it's hard for me to see what i'm trying to create sometimes.

i get really, really confused.

but, i'm realizing that i feel most at peace when i know what makes me happy and how to just find happiness in little things.

sounds so cheesy.

i don't care what it sounds like.

j'aime l'otomne!

no subject

what happens now?

i wouldn't know.

i forgot what putting iTunes on shuffle does...

it's like it knows what songs that will just trigger all the emotions.

I just know.

some think...

some things we just find naturally boring.

some things we grow tired of, and become... naturally boring.

so what keeps things from becoming boring?

ME.

YOU.

US.

just a thought.

****

i love you.

see, here's the thing...

there's nothing really to be sad about.

but for some reason, i feel sad sometimes.

it's crazy because sometimes i'm so quick to snap out of it that i'm just wondering,

"why the fuck did i just think that or feel that or say that? that was completely untrue."

or maybe it was true at that particular moment in time, but not anymore.

or maybe it is again.

here's another thing.

THINGS CHANGE.

surprise!

and i've found that it's okay to think about things, even miss people for a while but then there just comes a time where you need to float back on to present.

it's sad that we can't take every single friend we meet along the way. and it's a shame that some people aren't who we really think they are. it's hard when you thought you knew someone, but they turned out to be someone completely different than you thought.

everything happens for a reason.

c'est la vie.

it's really sad that i'm not used to having priorities again. welcome back to life, ysabelle.

how do we make time?

"Nothing ever becomes real 'til it is experienced."

everyday we must learn something new.

today, i learned that even if i think i'm afraid of being alone... a lot of the time i'd rather be alone.

(besides being with you)

i have a lot to do.

i need to learn how to "make" time.

but all in all, i'm glad i'm back to school.

or i know i will be.

:)

remember this feeling.

this is a feeling that nothing or nobody could take away from me.

let's hope it stays, even when tomorrow comes.

a drive.

we smile and laugh as the album plays. i look at you a million ways.

we tell childhood times, or funny times... any times, actually.

we talk about now. the future. everything.

sometimes we think we talk too much. an awkward silence is never enough.

sometimes we get confused and we'll laugh at each other.

sometimes we realize... what we're fighting over doesn't even matter.

"oh, this feeling," we say, could never be described.

i used to be a caterpillar, struggling to be alive. now i'm a butterfly, beginning to witness life from above.

this is why i embrace change.

it led me to love.

just a little bit.

and just like that,

i forgot what i was talking about.

and where i was.

and who i was with.

undo.

uncomfortable.

unbelievable.

III. i couldn't believe what i just heard.

the music turned off...

but i still hear it.

and it was like i never heard it before.

it's

making

more

and more

sense.

i won't ever let it happen again.

i want to feel this way forever.

(contigo)

(avec toi)

(with you)

you never knew.

now you know.

i.

love.

you.

i want:

$$

higher knowledge.

happiness.

success.

more peace.

more love.

more unity.

more respect.

seeing life through brighter eyes.

this world.

it won't stop for you. it won't wait for you. the world won't stop when you are down and out. some people leave just as quickly as they come in. some people don't know if they're in or out, up or down. it's never too late to start over. you've never learned enough. you've never heard enough. there's always room for improvement. people become what they hate, but only for a short while, only to learn -- we are 'only human.' and we were not born to be perfect all the time.

happiness exists.

perfection exists.

perfection exists in happiness.

t h i s i s f a t e

w r i t i n g i t s e l f o u t.

did i forget something?

i used to be good at saying it the way it is.

the way things were seemed so clear now that i think about it.

or maybe it didn't make sense at all, and i tried so much harder to make sense of it.

i am not so easily inspired these days to talk about things the way they are.

maybe i think too much nowadays. have i become too analytical?

have things changed? or am i still the same?

i wonder if it's bad that i ask so many questions now.

i know some questions, i could answer myself.

sometimes i look back at who i used to be and wonder why i'm not that anymore.

did i like it better? did you like it better?

am i thinking too much again?

i just read something, just now.

it reminded me of how i used to feel so much more sure of where i was.

even though, back then i thought that was so stupid.

it's like i wanted to feel lost.

and now i have to start over again.

remember.

remember.

remember.

i need to remember.

i'll be back with more.

soon.

if this is love

then get me the fuck out.

* * * *

it doesn't feel any better,
but it doesn't feel any worse.

it is the worst feeling,

to feel nothing at all.

but it is what it is and i can't change the way anyone feels.

unfortunately, i never saw this coming.

but, i bet everyone else did.

congratulations, you win.

bad, worse, worst.

shooting blanks.

i will be found.

it wasn't hard to find me before;

so, i will find myself again.

* * * *

sometimes i get so mad, i want to stay mad.

i know this is unfair, but you are sometimes too.

he wishes we were perfect. but i know i am not.

i wish we were perfect. but i know we are not.

i question things when they aren't right.

who doesn't?

i want to remember the way it was.

i want it to be the same.

i don't want things to change.

and if they do, i just want them to get better.

we hate when we fight... but we do.

times like these make me feel halfway to hopeless.

i get scared sometimes.

i wish i didn't.

* * * *

if only we could be what we always wanted to be.

oh! but we can.

nobody said it's easy all the time.

* * * *

it's so much easier nowadays for people to hide how they're actually feeling.

BE REAL.

who cares if that means tears.

maybe not always.

sometimes i feel like not enough. sometimes i feel like i'm too much.

i thought, with you, i felt just right.

not tonight.

confused.

i wish i could be a kid again.

i really, really wish i could.

but then again, when i was a kid...i couldn't wait to grow up.

i wish it wasn't like that.

i am 19 years old,

and i'm still not completely sure what i want to do in life.

i didn't know right away when i was in 1st grade.

i've known i want to do many things.

help people, speak 4 different languages, do hair and make-up, take pictures, write.

is it bad that i don't know what i want to do yet?

am i wasting my life?

i don't think so.

but some people might.

i know i shouldn't care what some people think.

but i do care, about what some people think.

not everyone.

mmk. that's all i have to say right now.

ps. this is the first time i've felt so strongly emotional about this. hence, why i wrote this and posted it.

pps. this will probably be made private soon, so eat up all my emotions while you can.

the greatest song.

. you know when you hear a song and you wonder how it is that somebody could have possibly come up with it because it's so amazing? and every time you hear it, you just want to jump up and down, bob your head, clap your hands and say YEAH!!!!! you want to listen to it all the time, because every time you hear it, you hear it a different way...and it never gets old.

that is how i feel i feel about Neil Belen.

he's the best song i've ever heard.

and i am so happy that i found him.

:p

if not, then what?

type, type, type...delete.

talk talk talk... take it back.

you can't do that.

waiting.

i hardly write in this thing anymore.

i don't know.  sometimes i feel like writing helps, but sometimes i don't even know what i'm talking about, and that is just silly. i think that's the problem with a lot of us sometimes. we just talk and talk and talk but sometimes you just really have to think.

what i've been thinking about;

i'm really sick of doing nothing. i've been doing nothing for awhile now and as much as i don't like to admit it; i haven't really been acting on anything. and if there's anything i have not favored--for lack of better words--it is people that don't do shit. i know that fear and laziness are the worst excuses, they aren't even excuses. thinking back on half the shit i've been doing, i almost get angry. i need, want, crave, am going to get BALANCE. i wish finding a job was easier... but then again, i'm not really looking. this is all just stupid. i shouldn't be waiting for anyone to tell me to do things. i really detest that.

anyways, it's back to the basics for me. hopefully.

i am a beautiful, carefree & worthwhile young woman.

my purpose is to love and accept myself unconditionally while living each day to the fullest.

sometimes i feel like i've really lost sight of what's important and what i want in life.

i think it slowly comes back in pieces and i guess that's the way i'm going to learn for myself.

i wish i didn't feel like i wasted so much time, but then again... there's never a better time to start, than now. 

righttttt . ! ? . ! ?

over it.

Have you ever just felt like you were trying so hard to win someone's approval that you didn't know what to do anymore?

I know sometimes you really do have to suck up and pretend to be nice, but sometimes I just get to the point where im over it because none of it seems to work.

I want to keep trying, but I feel like I need to be constantly sacrificing my happiness. It's really not fair anymore.

I wish I could just be accepted, but that is just not going to happen.

I never thought this would get to me so bad. I never thought id be in this kind of situation...

I don't know why I'm so sad. Well, I do...but, I wish it wasn't because of that.

when my mind runs wild.

have you ever just felt angry at everything? it seems like everything is going WRONG WRONG WRONG, and you just want to scream out,

FUCK EVERYTHING.

it seems so stupid later, right? i know. i know there's ways of preventing this, but sometimes i just let loose. it's such a bad habit. there is never really one person that will just listen... eventually they get annoyed and just stop listening, or they get mad and say shit back to you. i guess i need to start writing in notebooks more, because online blogging just isn't cuttin it.

i really don't know whether i'm thinking too hard, or i can't think at all.

all i know is i'd rather be with you,

than without you.

and that it makes me mad when im mad at you because i don't want to be mad at you.

familiar yet unknown territory.

i wish i didn't feel like things were changing in a way that i didn't want them to. but i guess i really can't hold onto how things used to be all the time and just enjoy what the present is giving to me. i know that i'm not the only one that feels like this sometimes, but i guess i just have to remember the good and bad times for what they were, and are. i don't know if anyone really ever understands what i'm saying. sometimes when i feel like i am making perfect sense is when i feel like nobody is getting it.

but if you are, great!

anyways, isn't that what life is? experiencing things over and over but in different ways, so hopefully we know how to handle things better each time. i hate losing friends... even if sometimes i start to realize the "friends" i'm losing weren't really friends to begin with. it's still sad that we just fall apart or choose different people or things that seem more important.

i've noticed there are people i know will be there for the rest of my life. and that is just an amazing thing to think about... that there is going to be people there that can say "remember that time..." !!!

but really, for the people that have gone in and out, or left my life. it's not like i'm belittling your presence in my life at all, because i know i met you for a reason. i know that you were meant to be in my life or i was meant to be in yours, for something, even if i didn't know then or don't know now.

so, in a few days i will be another year older... last night i had a talk with my brother and it was a good one. he said 19 is a hard year.

but i said,

i am ready.

10 months

since i came home from cross creek.

shit's been crazy and definitely eventful, but i would not take back anything that has happened. even the crazy shit like getting kicked out, getting my car stolen..blah blahblah. all that shit has taught me so much and i am enjoying the person i am today, because i know despite anything, i am better off than i was before i left. so yeah. life has been fucking crazy, but i love it and i am so grateful to be home and alive and well :]

and, i have a job interview tomorrow, so i must get to the phone so i can talk to babyboy before i go to sleep.

ps. i love my sister. she graduated yesterday! yayyyyyy.

this is a messy post, 'till next time!

MY BIRTHDAY IS COMINGGG :]

expectations.

i guess we'll never know exactly how much we affect each other.

this is really stupid...

and i don't know why i tell myself that i'm mad, because when it comes down to it the point of it all is so fucking nonexistent.

the worst part is i create all this on my own part through my stupid actions and words.

i guess i do just expect it all to be perfect.

but then again, shouldn't it be?

isn't that what we are?

but then again,

why am i the one going and making it all complicated?

maybe i just like getting hurt or something.

i know i don't. i know this is stupid. i'm just trying to make sense of it all.

how is it that one second i can be content and the next second i'm walking away not happy at all?

you are so easy to be with.

you are so difficult to leave.

you are so difficult to be with.

you are so easy to leave,

me.

in times like this,

i sometimes, frequently wonder what's going on in people's heads in your head.

oh Pride, you taste so bad and are always are so hard to swallow.

but i don't care.

i hate when things are like this and i resort to blogging because i can't talk to the only person that i ever really want to talk to.

which brings me back to this last quote that i always used to read when i was younger.

Who do you run to when the person you always run to is the person you're running from?

i don't know why i'm runnin. there's nothing to run from.

i just wish i knew why i act like such a dumbass sometimes.

and for this, world, i apologize.

i'm not as perfect as i expect myself to be,

i can even be a bit crazy.

this needs to stop.

goodbye thoughts that bring me down.

hello sunshine and butterflies.

you'll never let me down.

i'm sorry that i strayed away for a good month or so.

please bring me back.

or let me bring myself back.

time to fly, like i've always meant to.

you won't hold me captive:

anxiety, anger, sadness, pain.

i don't have much to lose;

so much more to gain.

oh ya!

& you

make me smile

even when i'm feeling down.

thanks for that.

ps. memories don't fade.

not in this mind.

they just go away

for awhile.

bits and pieces.

the rediscovering of feelings.

memories.

emotions.

what i tried not to feel.

what i wanted to feel for so long.

what i'll never understand.

the light's too bright.

nothing is connected.

everything is part of something.

it has nothing to do with this, but everything to do with you.

or maybe the opposite.

it's all about pride, nobody wants to give up.

so we turn away from each other, instead of embracing each other.

at 11:11, i'll wish for you instead of me.

sometimes it's hard to be selfish and just care about myself.

is that weird?

sometimes it's hard to be selfless,

and care about nobody else.

i feel sick to my stomach but i can't seem to stop.

i'm worrying, why are you not?

i forgot.

some things just fade.

where'd you go?

where'd i go?

motivate

okay okay okay i need to really get off my computer.

because lately,

i've been feeling so inadequate.

and it's hard to admit that.

it's hard to admit a lot of things.

to people... obviously i have a lot more to say to people i don't talk to anymore.

1. i wish things were how they used to be. but they just aren't. i worry about you sometimes too. but i can't tell you, i don't want you to get mad and say i don't know... maybe i don't know.

2. you bring out the best and worst in me. and sometimes i wish i didn't care so much about you. because sometimes i feel like i am so close to being nothing to you. 

3[to infinity] you don't know who i am at all. and i wish i could show you, but i hardly know much at all at the moment either.

4. i don't know you anymore. i don't know if i ever did. you were such a big part of my life before, and when i came home i thought you would be... but really, now, you are just another part of the past. sad, i feel like our friendship was now a waste of time. i'm sorry. i know people change, but i never expected you to be such an asshole after everything we've been through. i just thought of this. you'll never know i guess.

5. i go in and out of giving a shit about you as a person. considering that you don't seem to have any respect whatsoever for the way i feel. you are so confusing and superficial sometimes. i wish i could just tell you everything. i wish you were open for that. too bad, it's really too bad.

6. i don't know where you are anymore. i hope your life is going okay, and you've found someone or something that truly makes you happy.

honestly. there's so many people that come in and out of my life. i don't know why i'm still not used to it. i haven't felt this way in so long.

nothing else that i can put into words on here.

waiting on the steps

Every car that passes by
I wish it were you
The time is ticking ever so slowly
But its almost been another hour
How I wish you were here
Another car
Another face
Not you

Where are you?
Im trying ever so hard to be patient.

But I miss you dear.

what nobody ever knew

I fell for you
So hard that I didn't even realize
The look in your eyes
We are meant to be
We will always be
You said,
"Be quiet,"
I said,
"You need to speak up."
Miscommunication over
Such distance
You wish it wasn't so.
So I get scared that it is always close to the end.
But you don't ever forget to remind me
"We could be forever."
You forgot to tell me this time.

Im sorry im thinking too much
that it doesn't even make sense.


Great.

I hope you fell asleep, and you're not just proving me right.

Sometimes I hate to be right.

so different.

Life has changed so much for me in almost every way, I never stopped to realize. I haven't even taken the time. Simple, little moments such as lying on my bed listening to music, writing in a notebook, taking a walk, taking some time for thoughts ... I feel like im always rushing and my thoughts don't even have a chance. All this has just made me feel stuck, and not know who I am. I have become a slightly bitter and distasteful person, as much as I am happy, I feel like I have been missing something, or avoiding something. I'm not so sure. I don't want to wait and have it smack me on the right side of the head though. I've already realized and world: don't you doubt me. I am ready.

if perfect existed,

it'd be you.

i've spent my life, looking for something else.

something else to make me feel..

anything...

less empty, more of something else.

and then i found you.

...or you found me.

i used to tell myself that i didn't like you. i couldn't like you. 

but then,

it hit me.

it's hard to say exactly how you've helped me, just by being the person who you are... and wanting what's best for me. it's crazy to even admit that you've helped me especially when i just want to say i hate you or leave me alone.

but...

you are, you are.

everything, you are.

and, i'm so happy you're in my life again.

NB.<3

know these things.

Attttention: everybody that thinks they can hang but they can't.

Know your mind, know your body.
Know how much you can handle.

PLEASE.


And if you need help, why don't you just ask for it? Stop tryna be bigger than you are...that's what gets you so fucking FUCKED up.

These things are supposed to be fun and enlightening.
Let's keep it that way!

friday.

deadmau5

tiefschwarz

moderat

destructo

1. i forgot how it felt, and it was the best way to rememberrrrrr.

2. he is the best ever and makes me feel :) allways.

3. i want to feel and see it over and over again...

until the next time!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT and i already miss it.

unknown.

i am just a little girl reaching for something more than what my hands can grasp.

i dont know what i want right now.

impossible.

"Can't ignore your aura cos it pulled me by the hand...like the moon pulled the tide and the tide pulled the sand."


There really is not much to say.

this sucks.

I put my heart out there and you can just take whatever's left of me, k? And when you're done just tell me so I can close it back up so nobody sees.. Just in case you make a fool out of me just like the last one.



Is it really that difficult to be with me? Honestly. Im sorry if it is. I don't know what else to offer.

cleaning.

what is it that we think of when we think of cleaning up?

cleaning up my room, cleaning out my mind, cleaning up my life.

i think the reason why i hate cleaning so much sometimes is because i have to actually think about where things go and not just take everything and put them in the same places.

don't get me wrong, i like having a clean room... it leads to a cleaner mind and all in all, it makes me feel good.

unless i get stuck.

like right now. i have all these things but i don't know where to put them because i can only put so much stuff in my closet, on my desk, and in drawers. i don't really like just placing things under the bed cos that is just pointless because i know it's going to get messy again.

i need to go to the container store.

it feels much better to have things in place.

i can be alone.

right?

dreams are so weird sometimes. actually, all the time. isn't it crazy that we think of all those things as we are sleeping? it amazes me... and sometimes we don't even remember! (i dislike that part.)

i just feel like i'm kinda a mess lately.

what i don't like to feel.

pain. confusion. anger. sadness.

i try to stay away from it all.

sometimes i don't even know how i'm feeling and i hate that the most:

emptiness.

another i hate,

not knowing.

not getting what i want.

being afraid to say what i want.

being afraid of what i want.

yeah.

the end.

* * * *

 this made me laugh and totally reminded me why i like you (-_-) and your lame, corny self.

neil: ... I told my friend she looked cute and it was so funny because I know she felt scared and awkward ... 

neil: the small one we ran into at albertacos.

neil: can I show you a picture of her, can I

me: oh k

me: you think she's cute! >:[

neil: in a little girl way

me: oh k

neil: not like hey you're cute whatcha doin' tonight

me: hahahaha

frustrating times.

i guess what gets me through these times is knowing there will be sunshine and rewards in the end.

yup.

sun in the sky!

c'est vrais.

i keep telling myself i need some time to think, but the more i think... the more i don't understand.

it's sad when you don't realize how the things you say affect me.

i don't know how else to describe how i've been feeling, so i guess i'll just come back when i figure it out.

* * * *

i am not happy. i am not sad. it's weird because i just feel somewhat incomplete. i wonder if you feel the same way. i feel stupid feeling the way that i do and not knowing if you do too. i guess i am sorta sad because i wish you could read my mind and just show me you're not mad. or i guess, i'm just not happy because i assume the worst when we don't talk because nobody can tell me otherwise. i always wonder what you're thinking when you're quiet. i don't know why i am insecure about this, even if i know that there is nothing to feel insecure about. 

i guess i just wish everything was perfect all the time.

i guess, i do know how you feel then.

and of course my pride is getting in the way.

doesn't it always?

PS. you make me CRAZY!

<3

lessons we learn.

Rest in Peace Patrick Romey & family <3

I've tried to write about this so many times since it's happened. It's hard to describe all the feelings and thoughts that have been going through my head since last Saturday. I don't really have much to say except this is teaching me so many more life lessons.

Everything happens for a reason.

I've realized that it isn't worth it to spend your life fighting, or in ridiculous fights about nothing. Putting your pride down is the hardest thing for most of us, but it needs to be done because you never know when it's the last time you're going to be seeing someone.

just for you (:

ysabelleeee: i like jason mraz. thanks for reminding me.

xx17417xx: i like neil belen*

* * * *

willingly taking a break from my life has given me a lot of time to think about things... almost too much. i know that the mind is a scary place to get lost in, but at the same time, i have a lot of time to re-evaluate how i am living (again.) i don't know. i am realizing that i have avoided a lot of things. there are a lot of people and situations i have been dancing around, hoping to just forget about. unfortunately, life doesn't work that way.

i wish i could just go up to everyone and anyone i have avoided and tell them how i really feel, but of course in this world, not everybody sees things the same way.

i don't even know where i'm getting with this.

i am getting lost in my own head again.

peaceful & deserving.

life lesson #2

"The pain back in LIFE LESSON #1 was for your benefit.

You were being taught to breathe,

invited to suck down a yummy oxygen/nitrogen cocktail.

That painful whack was necessary for your growth."

Of course, had you been told this at the time, you still would not have understood with your naive lil' baby mind.

And so it goes for much of the pain in your life. OFten you need to evolve a bit more before you can understand a bit more.

Growing up.

sometimes we don't realize how we affect one another.

of course, just like everyone else, i wish i could have a perfect life. no broken family, no heartbreak or heartache, no nothing. i know i'm not the only one that feels this way, but sometimes i am selfish and i forget that i am not alone. sometimes i wish there was somebody there to always talk to... but this blog is sufficient for right now.

i know that if i didn't meet you then, i would've met you eventually.

you are my destiny.

i feel lame sometimes when i talk about you.

oh well.

<3

how to be happy dammit.

so when i first came home from cross creek, i basically stayed indoors and tried to pretend that the world around me was just a trap back into my old life, which in the end i let it be...but anyways, besides the point, i picked up this book at barnes&nobles. you can find it in the self-help section (; ha ha...you might think that's lame but that just shows how not open you are to self-improvement. anyways, 44 life lessons! it really helped me look at life differently. ~9 months later, i have become a different person... but i am still ysabelle! i've decided to open it back up...

so we'll start from the beginning and i'll just throw these in when i can;;

''life lesson #1

pain exists.

life can hurt.

like a lot.

even when you're good,

you can get whacked.

without apology.

without explanation."

with that being said, my dad and are in a constant battle in my house and i hate it more than anything in the world because i can't fix it, even if i try.

this makes me want to scream,

but i'm doing my best to not take it personal.

one angry entry for the books.

i must be getting my period because i could totally go off right now on how idiotic i think some people are with the way they present themselves and their daily lives. oh puhlease, you wannabe potheads.

oh look, i just did.

please forgive me, i have so much more to say but i guess i should just hold my tongue.

on a different note,

i am going to sleep..because i am craving some sleep.

PS. those who say "not down" trying to get me to feel like i cant hang with you.. grow the fuck up cos you'll never be as up as i am.

when everything begins to fall apart,

i'd rather try and pick up the pieces.

i'm not one for broken anything, if you know what i mean.

i know people may think that once something's broken you can't go and re-fix it...

but i am a firm believer in putting things back together--especially when it comes to family.

i know all my family wants is for me to be successful and live a wonderful life,

because who doesn't want that for themselves and their offspring?

but what i want, is for me to want things for myself.

i don't want to be doing things for my parents, let alone anyone else, for the rest of my life.. i know i'll get sick of it. i already have!

so today i went out and picked up job applications with brittany. i am going to fill them out tomorrow or within this week and go to Goldenwest to apply tomorrow.

i know my life has been ups and downs since i got home in august. it is much more than i thought i ever signed up for coming back into reality and the same, but different environment.

anyways yeah, one day i want to write it all out...but the unfortunate thing is, i don't think i remember all of it.

i love my life though. and i've been thanking whoever is out there insanely.

i am a lucky girl.

trying to get my life on track, once more.

i appreciate all of my friends who respect me and what i'm trying to do whenever i do..

forrrr real.

all.of.you.

oh yes, and he does bring a nice, big smile to my face! [:

:D

simple concepts that i forget.

friendships.

it isn't hard to be a friend, i think it's hard for me to stay in friendships. sometimes i dwell a lot in what the other friend is doing wrong but most likely i am fucking up just as much. what i probably could do instead, is say how i feel about what they do...but instead i keep to myself, so when i do tell them, they're all confused.

i know i need to change this.

have you ever felt like what you're thinking is out of the ordinary and there is no way ever in hell that somebody else could actually think the same?

but then you find one, and it is utterly mind blowing that they are actually thinking and saying the same things as you.

you are not alone, trust me.

we all think we are alone in this world, but the truth is we were born with other people and meant to be friends with each other. we weren't born to fight or be separate. we were each born a unique individual, to shine our insight of life on one another.

when i read something and it really sticks,  i am so grateful that somebody was able to capture the exact feeling i have been trying to describe.

i know i had more to say, a lot more. but i lost it all in my sleep. hopefully i'll recover it sooner than later and i can share it with you all.

you all, as in, whoever you are.

* * * *

love.

i was thinking about love the other day and how it's hard to believe i've ever really been in love because i don't think i even know what love is, let alone how to describe it. how is it possible? can somebody tell me what it is? i've heard sayings, i'm pretty sure that's what they show in movies...but how do i KNOW? i thought i was, i think i am...sometimes. but i don't know.

and as for that term 'you've got to show me love.'

how are people supposed to show her?

i am being completely serious. is this stupid? i don't care. i want to know.

i've got a whole lot of nothing to talk about.

i know i update this shit a lot; this is what you're signing up for when you come here.

you are everything you are, nothing at all.

* * * *

i don't see how people get the impression that it is okay to just pretend like nothing has happened. Why do I always fall for this type? I'm just wondering. An old friend im'd me this morning and it got me thinking about life and the people that come and go. It's not often that I think about all of this because there's so many people that I talk to that I hardly talked to and that I don't talk to that I always talk to. It's funny how that all works out, or doesn't. I really miss some of the people I used to talk to, and wonder where they are in their lives now. I wonder if they're happy, if things are going well for them, or if they have changed (hopefully for the better!) I wonder, for a second, if people think the same things about me. Maybe they are like me, reminiscing over everything ever so carefully, pondering why things turned out the way they did. Or maybe, they've forgotten already...they don't even remember. Sometimes I wish I could forget. But then I remember, this is who I am. All of these little moments, arguments, good trips, bad trips, heartbreaks and heartaches... have molded me into who I am right this second. So now, I just hope that when somebody thinks of me and how I have affected their life...they think good things. Even though, I know I've done some fucked up shit in my life that I know people will and do talk shit about. Just as I see the good in everything, I hope they do too. Enough rambling. I'm going to go shower and start my day with mjay.

stay up, stay healthy! life is beautiful.

<3

one more push.

i don't know why sometimes i say things that i don't even mean.

i

just

snap.

and then i want to take it back.

so it goes, the common flaw amongst us is we always want to be right. we have grown up to be self-righteous bitches and assholes that won't stop until we win, or whatever..am i right? i am pretty much so over even talking sometimes because everything has turned into a humongous right or wrong, win or lose GAME. oh yeah and can't forget when people just go off on silent treatment and i don't know what the fuck to do but yes, TALK. Keep talking, talking, talking...i could talk myself into fucking circles.

PS.

FUCK YOU.

fuck you.

FUCK YOU.

* * * *

i have officially lost it.

so basically, i think that this is impossible. why is it that i am thinking about things i don't want to think about? and why is it that we are fighting over NOTHING? i don't like it one bit and it reminds me of times and moments that i don't want to be reminded of. more and more smoke rising into the air. i don't want to think about you OR you right now. i don't want to think about any of you. i've come to the conclusion that the preconceived notions of boys and girls have switched. boys are way too publicly complicated now and girls seem more like we don't give a fuck when we do. is anyone even understanding a word i'm saying? if not, that's okay... 

I know I don't make sense all the time.

t y p e w r i t e r ;

<3

the butterflyy.

morning lemon.

Swine Flu.
Attract good health into your life; the secret.

That's all I have to say about that.

On a lighter noteeeee (:

[1] He said he'd see me again soon, so soon. And I believe him.

[2] He came by with a sack and an extra bowl named Girth. I told him I hadn't smoked in a few days. He asked me for my sack back and put a little more in there.
[3] He seems like a talker and a listener, just the like the kind of friend I need in life.

[4] She came in my room looking for me, saying she had a nightmare. It reminded, once again, of her unconditional love and of how much she cared.

[5] The sun came out again: an endless reminder of how life is beautiful and meant to be cherished.
Every moment of it.

[6] He's always looking out for me; I'm so glad he's so there for me when he can now. The brother that I will always have.

[7] We talked for what seemed like forever about anything and everything. This isn't new to me, because I remind myself, "This is sisterhood."

[8] He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me and I knew he meant it. I don't care if it's corny, I hear music all around when I'm around him. We fight, we love. It doesn't matter at all where I am with him. My best friend.



The roof, the sun and the sky.
God bless.

6am thoughts.

a boy once asked me why i think people don't like me or ignore me.

i thought to myself, "i don't know and i don't care."

i thought again and i told him...

"i think they just don't understand me."

sometimes i don't even understand myself.

i've come to find beauty in the small things in life.

i've come to find appreciation in things that i never have before.

from every person, we can learn lessons and in turn give the same to others.

pay it forward;

people are;;

[1] he said that one day we're all going to be happy with one another. it's going to be a new generation, there won't be hate. he said he could not wait. he helps me.

[2] she is a girl that people want to be around. she brings life to the party and smiles to peoples' faces. her friendliness is contagious. yin and yang.

[3] he has a passion for music like nobody i've ever met before. his smile is huge & he brings a smile to my face. he has a different way of talking: one that most people could get lost listening to, but to me i feel like we are on the same wavelength.

[4] such good vibes. i can't even begin to explain how this person seems to bring love & fun into this world. a person that anybody would be lucky to meet.

[5] interesting. someone that seems like he has seen the world, and is open to so much. a giver, for sure.

[6] sometimes she doesn't/cannot stop laughing. she can turn a frown upside down so quick. i know she's seen and learned a lot in her life already. i learn a lot from her.

[7] unconditional love like no other.

[8] it's hard to comprehend the twists and turns, the ups and the downs... he said he's never met a girl like me. and then he walked away without turning back. tears ran down my face as i wiped them away.

[9] i'd never felt love that way before. it seemed so much my life had changed for the better.

[10] i can feel it in my bones...like this is where i am supposed to be right now, at this particular moment in time. i feel the music in me.

[11] i'd never fully appreciated life and what was in it until then. i had found bits and pieces, but nothing like when i finally opened my eyes.

[12] sunrise, sunset. the world is a beautiful place and i'm so lucky to be alive and living in it.

[13] he used to be my best friend. the one i thought i could tell everything to. but soon it became all about him and what he wanted to say. rather than him listening to me, i'd listen to him and then he'd hang up.

[14] they taught me to have respect for myself and not let anyone talk to me like i'm a little bitch... because i am anything but that.

to fully understand something, it takes more than just looking at it.

to fully understand someone, it takes more than just talking to them.

to fully understand life, it takes more than just living it.

life is a journey, not a destination.

if you don't like peanut butter sandwiches, then stop making them.

SHARING is CARING!

Reads;;

how to be happy damnit. (it has a flower on it)

[the secret

way of the peaceful warrior

the ultimate gift]

these are movies too.

listen;;

nightmares on wax

a fine frenzy

girltalk

i'm gonna go to sleep now. & later i will wake up to the sun shining, the birds chirping (like they are now) and music playing.

...i will smile and say to myself,

"today is a good day."

and indeed, it will be.

peaceasy loves. stay UP!

this wonderful world

We live in...

I feel like nobody can really grasp the concept of our beings at this moment.

I LOVE LIFE.

Everything is so vivid and clear..it's almost scary, but it's not at all.

Controlcontrolcontrol.

I told you im never coming down.
You can't pin my wings back.

I'm a butterfly.
I spread my wings already and nothing is going to stop me.

Hearts for you all.

Share, give, love.
Peace!

this wonderful world

a weekend to remember.

Coachella 09:
From beginning to end.

All these people from all over coming together for the same thing...

Live. Love. Listen.


I have the best friends ever :]


I don't really know what to write in here lately.

fire.

I feel myself wanting to scream.



I need mary jane.

on the road..

to somewhere bigger & better.
that's where we all wanna go right?
i've witnessed a lot of people, including myself at times, wanting to dream big...
but sometimes a little part of us is scared and not all the way willing.

there are those times where i've felt like i'm fucking going in circles around myself. i didnt know what to do with myself, where i wanted to go.

i still feel like that sometimes. and it's like i'll passively look to other people to show me the way, but instead i know inside that i am the only one that is going to get myself somewhere in life.

so here i am at almost 3 in the morning again, contemplating and thinking about my life and the direction i see it going in. i try not to think so much or dwell in what other people are saying or thinking...i don't have the time and i can't afford to let those things bother me.

i want to go places.

in case you didnt know,

the past doesnt just erase itself;;

the present is here and now & i love it more than i ever have.

i'm not as confused, i don't need anyone as much as i did before.

but as much as the past is gone..

it doesn't seem to be forgotten as much as i want it to.

i'm still angry.

i'm still sad.

it's not all gone

& it makes me madddddd.

BUT

i am REFUSING to let this get to me like before.

because you are nothing to me anymore.

maybe i will never know.

and i will just have to live with that.

... on a lighter note.

i heart my best friend(S).

that is two people.

they know who they are.

effect.

falling
falling
falling
f
a
l
l
l
i
n
g



1.
you're so clueless about how i feel sometimes..
but then again, maybe i don't do such a good job at telling you when i should.


[i'm such an extremist.
i don't know when to stop sometimes.
...or even where to start.]

2.
we fight over such pointless stuff sometimes.
i think one time i heard, it's easiest to hurt the ones we love.



3.
I CANNOT FUCKING WAIT
FOR COACHELLA!


The hardest part about going to school
is getting there
and staying focused sometimes.

AHHHH, focusssssss.

spiraling.

there are so many things i would like to do.
i wish i had more time/money to do them :S


at least..
coachella !! april171819 [:
420 is this month.
Disneyland!!?!

:D

things i am in need/wanting.
- a bigger external [:
- a mixAmatcha thingy cos i think it's cute.
- new contacts & glasseys.
- bongo bongo.

NEED
to do
my hair.
omfg.
why am i so lazy now with this?

okokok. this week.
i must finish the longest process of cleaning too.


i lag too much.
i am so accountable for this.

anyways.

SOOOOOOO MUUUUUUCH MUUUUUUSIC!
i<3it.

not always, but all ways?

i can't even tell how i'm feeling sometimes.

peaceful anger. silent screaming becomes real.

i don't know what to say, if i should say anything, or just let it pass.

this is so confusing sometimes.

what it is.

We are the movie.

I thought that the way I feel could only be captured in
a movie.

Everything is moving so much faster. I swear I feel infinite.


HerbaLife.

dream come true.

sometimes life seems unreal when everything well.

it's like we've conditioned our minds to believe that nothing great can ever be real or last...

reconditioning the human mind.

i love to live

in this moment

right here

right now

:) smile sunshine!

someone I used to know.

I've thought about it,
And I've decided it is a normal human response to be confused about this.

Why waste time over somebody you act like you don't care about?

I don't understand, and despite knowing that I just WON'T understand...I still continue to try.


I think back on the 7 months I've been home..
How things began to unravel and change ever so quickly.
I was just a baby.
You saw me so fragile and vulnerable.

I may still seem like that to you.
But let me assure you, I've built stronger skin than that.




Your loss.
Not mine.


I am going to stop believing that ill never understand...

YOU will never understand.

* * * *

I am so sick of everyone talking.

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

this way.

This is the way things should be.

Endless conversations with my two best friends in the world.
Me+YOU!
La musica.
Highlife.

All the time.



<3

so off.

So im just gonna be completely honest. My life has become so routine and in the worst way ever. I expect everything and nothing that I expect is what I truly want. According to the law of attraction/the secret, I could change this but I can feel my hope&faith fluctuating. I can't see through to him anymore. My days will go just like this:
I try not to think about what has happened.
I try to keep myself busy.

But trying doesn't necessarily mean the action gets done.

A common pattern:
I fall asleep on my bed, with my clothes on, and the lights on.

A common thought:
I wish I never did that, I wish things could go back to the way they were.

A common interest:
Weed and music.

A common saying:
You never know what you really got, till it's gone.


What I say,
Doesn't really mean anything anymore, does it?
Is it just like a first grader reading words?

I was a happy little girl bouncing around.
Now im just a girl with no real smile to be found.


I never thought id grow up to the way I am.
But this is my life and I know I need to take accountability for my choices/responsibility for my actions.





Here I am, a weary heart and trembling hands, waiting for the words to leave your lips.

i feel as if,

a really big part of my life is missing...

on the brightside..!

my car was found, so i'll be getting that back :]

tomorrow.

sigh!

miss you allways.

fuck it.

you know the crossroad between persistence and giving up?

i'm closer to the edge.

i want to hold on so tight to something that i already know is falling apart.

have you ever believed something would work out even when nobody else did?

have you ever told the truth even though everybody else was telling you not to?

they say the truth will set you free but i feel trapped.

i think i subconsciously just love to self-sabotage anything good that happens to me in terms of relationships.

even when it seems different,

i always find a way to make it the same.

i have nothing left for you i guess.

eternal.

wishing this high would last forever;

i love it when we can feel music all around. it tingles through our bodies. we feel it in our veins, pumping through our hearts. our eyes shine. our feet tap. our heads move. we bounce. we smile. we love. lights all around. doot doot doot doo doo. everybody's dreams are coming true.

g       T ?

  e                                        S ?      ?

    t ? ?

      t                               ?

        i O ? ?

          n ? ?

             g               L       ? ?

tearing me apart.

i like to remember the way my life has been...

until the memories start tearing me apart.

i think that sometimes i begin to fall back on the past so much that i wish i was there instead of here. it's normal, right?  when does it come time to come back to reality: the way things really are now? have you ever thought back to one moment.. a few words.. a few seconds.. and wondered if that made all the difference?

i wonder if i went back to the times i wish i could,

if i would really be happy there.

..because don't we only miss things when they're not there anymore?

i look forward to a good cry.

je te laque.

do we have a misunderstanding?

i'm not sure the way we are communicating is the best right now.

the meaning of friends has been brought to my attention.

"friends" is not just a number on your myspace or facebook account.

i hope everyone realizes that by clicking "add as friend" does not qualify you as my friend.

really realizes.

getting fucked up with me every single time we see each other does not count either.

...do we even talk?!

1. you could talk about the same thing over and over and it wouldn't get old.

2. there are those things that we will forever laugh about and never forget.

3. there were those times we'd fight about nothing, but to us it was everything.

to the ones that come in & out of my life;

you say goodbye, i say hellooooo.

i could be oh so very confused, but sometimes i won't notice.

everything comes in waves.

some people like to pretend that nothing ever happened, but it always comes up one way or another.

of course things change;

they never are the same.

they say history repeats itself...

but this isn't a movie.

it never was.

not you & i.

my life is a movie.

the past with you & i has already been erased and rewritten.

but unless maybe we have a future too.

maybe our worlds will collide again someday?

this is not just to you.

(or you)

typing.

Why does it feel like everyone I know is full of shit these days? Everyone is in things for the payoff, not to be friends anymore. Im sick of being used, im sick of feeling like my best friend just talks to me when her other friends aren't around. Im sick of calling people and having them tell me they're too busy and then having them ask me why we hardly hang out. Im sick of it all. Im sick of being sick of everyone since it's not ALL their fault, I know what I did to contribute. Im tired of feeling like I don't know what's going on since my time is so wrapped up in school, Neil, the friends that I still do have, and drugs. Not saying I don't love my life the way it is...but of course there is still the other side. I feel like things aren't the same, haven't been the same, and can't be the same because I no longer see eye to eye. Constant bickering. I've cut off ties with a lot of people and I really am sorry I've had to do it. It's just that im no longer going to stand for bullshit in my life, and the ones that think they can go off thinking they're gonna use me up for all I am, FUCK YOU. Im so fucking serious. I know that's life, suck it up and deal with it..but no. Im not gonna deal with that shit and that is why I cut off half the people that were in my life in the last few months. If you have been around me, you probably know...I can be a bitch, im not perfect. You might even be wondering why the fuck I even bothered to write this. Well, I know behind all my imperfections and flaws, i am a good person. Then, why you ask, would I cut off other people who are just the same...good people, behind it all?

Because they don't give a fuck about me.
And im tired of wasting my time.

So to everyone, anyone...

I am not here to for your benefit only.
I am here to be your friend, if that's what you need, and if you are going to be one too.

bliss.

my life.

in my world;

hate doesn't exist.

people actually want to be friends;

there are no pay-offs.

perfection doesn't exist,

but being the best we can be.

music is always playing.

smiles and laughter take up the majority of the day.

life is never uninteresting.

people are forgiving.

good feelings don't abruptly end by a sudden change of feelings.

love is the root of everything.

you don't always have to be so angry.

you say you're starving artists.

starving for something you don't know about in life yet.

my movie life. life seems so fucking fantastic sometimes.

of course there's those bittersweet moments,

where you wonder why or how your life became this.

everyone's watching.

"i don't give a fuck"

sometimes we get the feeling that we are better than this...

but then we remember why we do it.

<3flutter.

i've been thinking a lot about different people lately.

i know it's normal to reminisce on the way things used to be..

there are highs and lows and everything in between.

there are those people that you know are always going to be there,

the ones that might walk in and out of your life,

or just the ones that come in just for a short time...

& you wonder how & why things played out the way that they did.

there are just some times where i wonder about these things...

but that's normal, right?

will i ever see your face again?

"i haven't been that fucked up in a while."

so, begins the night at a warehouse party in compton where my friends are djing.

i see all my friends & more. even though i don't want to see anyone else. everything is fuzzy and getting fuzzier by the minute. the music. the lights. the people. it was too much to notice when my PHONE drops out of my pocket. this is the second time this has happened! ...but this time i didn't find it. BOOOOOOO. do you know how much of a badtrip that is? after searching on the ground like an idiot for about a total of 30 minutes + i decided that it wasn't worth it and that shit was GONEZOS. i was very sad. but then i just hoped for the best and thought "i hope that person that gets it brings it to good places!" and also, that i didn't even need/want a phone...which is not true because now people cannot get ahold of me and i cannot get ahold of them. what a bust. yeah. so anyways, leave the party at around 2something? almost emptyhanded on the phone, except the homeboy NICK came up on an lx..that's locked. idk what to do with that but i'll figure it out!? went to go drop tray & brittany off. stiiiiill sorta trippin. i hate being lost and without a phone or gps? soooooo whack. fiiiiinally end up in studio city to end off the night right. oh yeah and i fell asleep and they almost left me in there. wwwwwwtf.

hahahaha.

but all in all, last night/this morning was preeeeetty crazy/fun/interesting...

"i haven't been that fucked up in a while."

almost new life.

i've seen this all before;

but this still seems like a different world.

anyways.

i'm excited? i think that's a way to describe it. and also anxious, because this all seems so new/foreign/kinda scary.

anyways.

my mind goes too fast, or too slow nowadays.

i wish some things could stay the same, but i understand change is inevitable.

people grow apart, meet new people, life moves along.

my dad has gotten on my case about smoking again.

i know it's just because he cares but it still annoys me.

oh ya, & he left a note telling me not to smoke cigarettes in mom's car. hah. oops.

i feel like i'm not as skinny as before. but i know that's not true because my pants hardly fit.

this is really random. i'm basically just writing everything on my mind that i need to do.

i need to do laundry.

i need to eat.

i need to clean.

i need to wash my dollhead.

i need to buy new scrubs.

i need to drop off neil's charger.

i need to go see my sissy.

i need _eed.

for some reason,

even though everything's going quite well i'm pretty sure that's what it may seem.

it still feels like something's off.

maybe it's the weather.

something you oughtta know.

there will always be hard times, and people who you wish you could change.

what i've known from my own experience & what i've learned by watching other people is that nobody can change anyone except for themselves.

relax & relapse again.

growing up.

once we've hit the "adult" mark, 18, people seem to have this idea that everything is all gravy and they can do whatever the fuck they want. i know i had that idea almost my entire life. i couldn't wait. "fuck this. when i turn 18, i'm going to get the fuck out of my house because i hate my dad and i'm going to get my own place to live in with my friends and we're gonna have bongs all around the house filled with flowers. we'll just get high all the time!" little did i know, how difficult that is, with the money and everything. );

instead, i end up in LaVerkin, UT on my 18th birthday, and i make the first 'adult' decision of my life to stay in this correctional facility full of people who the majority are full of shit and have already planned their relapse. for me, i thought i was going to make it. i thought i'd stay sober, especially since i stayed for a few months when i turned 18. 

i started college as soon as i came home in august. i stayed sober and away from anyone and anything that had connection to my old life. but, only 2 months after graduation. i started making adjustments to the way i had said i wanted to live my life. 

i will be semi-vague, only because this is the internet and i don't know who the fuck reads this really. but to give you a picture...

5 months later:

i have a broken heart & a broken mind, created a broken household where i ricochet my parents off each other once again to get whatever the fuck i want. i have no job & have dropped out of college because i want a longer break. i feel like i'm entitled to these things. i've run out of money because i blew a thousand dollars on i don't even know what. i have cut off ties with so many good friends and family because of my selfishness and disregard for other people's feelings besides my own. i have stopped caring about pretty much anyone and anything. i haven't been home or sober for more than day or two at a time. i hate my home and anything connected to it. i've lost my car, and don't know where the fuck it's gone. i don't go home for another week. i sleep wherever possible, if i sleep at all.  i am losing weight because i hardly ever have the appetite. i never feel normal. i feel as if my friends are all i have and i have stopped talking to anyone that wants to try to 'help' me. i've lost touch with the world except for my new world of getting fucked up 24/7. i even stop listening to so much music because i forget where my iPod is and the people who i'm friends with hardly have jumped into the pools i've jumped in. i'm getting sick so often and abusing dxm to get rid of it, even if i started to hate dxm the day that i gagged it down and almost threw my insides up in sf in december.

...and i told myself this was the life.

6 months later:

i can finally say

i'm happy with life again.

although i'm still not sober, (because i don't see a problem in getting high everyday or even fucked up once in a while---moderation is key,right?) i am so comfortable with myself again it's ridiculous. i love my life and i feel like things are going in the right direction. i have a great relationship with my mom and starting to with my dad. i know who my friends are, i know who i am without my friends. i am starting cosmetology school tomorrow. i have another car until i get a new one in about a month. i have been listening to & getting the best music. my heart has been mended & i have another reason to smile. (: the sun shines more, too. momma wants to blaze with me because she thinks i'm so fun and responsible. i'm trying to cut down on smoking cigarettes. i see balance. i am semi-productive usually (better than before) & i smile on the daily even if i cry.

this is life.

& i am in love with it.

to everyone i know;

thank you. i know you may not realize that the things you do effect people in even the slightest of ways---good or bad. you may even think i'm weird that i talk or act the way i do. that isn't important to me though. i just hope that you all know the effect you can have on other people. i'm grateful for whatever you've taught me. i am who i am today with assistance from you.

<3y.

ALSO;

back to what i was saying in the very beginning.

EIGHTEEN, TWENTY-ONE, whatever the fuck age you think is important.

IT DOESN'T MEAN SHIT except alcohol and cigarettes.

growing up happens when you actually grow the fuck up.

which means, getting ahold of your life, responsibilities and the way you act towards other people.

RESPECT is a two-way street & not just given out to people that think they're hard. 

you already know that.

HARD13!?

COACHELLA!?

I'll see YOU there!?

I LOVE YOU TOO!

familiar.

I've had this feeling before, but it wasn't the same. The music was similar, but not so familiar.
There's always going to be inevitable comparisons in my head and I recognize that..
But I have something so much better than what I ever expected.
I won't let myself run away anymore or push anyone away.
If there was any outcome I'd be thankful for, it'd be that.
I dropped my mom off at the airport today. She'll be gone for 8 days, then back for a few, then gone again for another month in Europe.
I cried when I dropped her off, and remembered how she was doing the same thing when I came home and left so many times...going back to school in Utah...moving out..moving back in,etc.
I love my mom.

People keep moving in and out of my life.
Oh well.
You're not my problem, anymore.




We're all self-conscious,
I'm just the first to admit it.

things are different now.

i hardly know what to write in here anymore.

the things that used to bother me cease to even matter;

it's like i have a different set of eyes.

anyways, i'm sick.. as if nobody knew that. staying home feels pretty nice though for a change. i still hardly watch tv, which is so weird, because when i first came home all i did was watch tv. now, my days are filled with activities such as listening to music, getting music, making candy, cleaning, hanging out with my cool mom and of course talking to a certain special somebody (; see? things are a bit different. i like it though. the sun's starting shine more everyday and i LOVE it.

i went to cvs yesterday to get my antibiotics with my mom and i asked her to buy me some nicorette for the time being because my throat's too sore to even smoke. so this is what happens:

we get in line and we're about to go up to the cashier girl that JUST sold me cigarettes yesterday, but instead we go up to this fairly old lady with those spectacle-type lookin glasses. my mom says, "can i have a box of nicorette...for my daughter please?"

me: MOM!!! -_____-

mom: what?!

me: why'd you have to say 'for my daughter!?!' now they're gonna think we're weirdos.

mom: oh... whoops. sorry honey :]

if you were only there to see this.

so yeah, basically my mom and i are like super close now...but also, i've been having these crazyass mood swings and they're scaring the fuck out of us. it's happened twice in the last 2 days and both times i've flipped out i started crying hysterically both times.

i almost think this blog is too personal and i'm not about to publish it. but...

i already know the people who actually care won't judge me.

this is me.

you're the one that chooses to read it.

nonetheless, i love life. & i love music.

:]

lastfm; looking through the charts... last7days;last3mos;last6mos. really describes how life has been for me. the phases. the times. the way i've felt. it may seem cheesy..but that's how it is. take a look.

they made it far too easy to believe

that true romance can't be achieved these days.