fake vs. ___________

i will never understand why people try to act like they've been doing something longer than they really have or liking something longer than they really have. what is the freaking point of being fake about it? i can accept that people may change and things may change.. a lot. but i will never understand why people think that they need to act like they know it all about everything, when they don't. it's like.. okay i don't really care if you're all into raving now. but you don't have to act like you've been doing it for years and shit blahblahblah, make up a story about how LONG you've been raving. it doesn't matterrrrr. and then i love how people will hate on things that they used to be. yeeeeeah, i could seriously go on forever. i get that people can laugh at themselves, but why be ashamed of something that you once were/liked/enjoyed? i know all of us must be really searching for ourselves, but i feel like a lot of us get sooo caught up in image and self-representation that we forget about who we really are.

and that just sucks.

what is the point of being fake or placing yourself above others? in the end insecurities will always be there, so just be real. be yourself. there is nobody else.

*SMACKS FOREHEAD*

I don't even know how I let my insecurities get in the way TWICE today. I am a beautiful carefree & worthwhile little butterfly & my purpose is to love and accept myself unconditionally while living each day to the fullest. <3

I can be such a fool sometimes.. I know I'm not perfect, but I am learning all the time.

Middle finger to my insecurities. forreal. what the fuuuuu*

questionable?

don't you hate to make something out of nothing?

but what makes something, something & nothing, nothing?

sometimes my mind wanders-- and i have to go find it & bring it back.

i don't have to worry.

right?

:]

[:

ooooooh! life!

are you on dope? Yes.

what kind? musical dope.

do you get high? Yes.

off of what? music.

are you on a trip or something? Yes.

what kind of a trip? music.

* * * *

sometimes life can be so freakin' unexpected.

i kinda like it though.

(:

not like this is any new news.. but i need a job. lol.

who do you think i think i am?

nobody is ever gonna stop talking.. so i'm gonna keep being me & you should keep being you.

sometimes things are said that sting or hurt. not everybody realizes the impact of their words. at the same time, things should never be taken personally. the only thing personal is your self.

remember that.

& the early bird gets the worm.

Ready or not.

Here I come.

BE.

i've realized the happiest i ever am is when i'm doing what i want and when i don't feel like i'm compelled to do what others want or what i'm expected to be. i don't want to be like anyone else. i want to stand out. i remember as a kid, i always wanted to blend in.. people would say that it was good to be unique, but i just thought that was the most ridiculous thing ever. it's crazy to think how i did not want to be in my own skin at all. as corny as it may sound, when i remember how much i used to hate myself, it makes me love myself that much more. i don't think anybody really realizes how their insecurities may have gotten in the way of living life. i feel like i've come a long way, even if i still have a ways to go. i'm proud of who i've become, and who i'm becoming. i may not be perfect, and i may not be exactly who i wanted to be when i was a little girl. i'm becoming exactly who i should be.

me.

butterfly<3

you don't get it.

Tell me what you know about no pain, no gain? I'm the kinda girl that likes to play with fire and dance in the rain.

Life has been good. Stressful at times. sucky sometimes. up and down, all around. quiet, lonely, annoying, crazy, amazing, bizarre, interesting, challenging, ridiculous, spontaneous, d i f f e r e n t all the time...

hm. That's life! it's great to be alive.

IAMAbeautifulcarefreeworthwhile&pureyoungwoman.

butterfly<3

for what it's worth.

I'm really hoping this is the last time that I feel so broken, but I know im just lying to myself if I believed that.

The truth is when we fall in love we must accept that one day this thing called love could end. Just like anything else in life, things could change. Something that was once seen as beautiful, could turn so ugly, twisted and/or complicated that we don't even recognize it anymore. We must accept that one day we might get hurt. This is a cost of falling in love, but at the same time we take this risk.. Because love isn't always ugly. However, it's hard to see why we got into something when all we see is misery. It's difficult to remember...we just don't want to.

They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all. I guess I agree with this, even though right now.. I'm wishing the opposite. I know, though, that this is all part of my process and that I will eventually see this as an opportunity to learn and grow. Perhaps one day I'll understand.. But as for right now...

I'm just hurt.

But I'm not going to let myself hurt over this for long... because if it was meant to be, then it would be... and I can't try so hard or throw myself at something when I'm just going to get hurt over and over again. It's not fair. I need to move on... even though at times I feel like I can't. I know I am strong.

So here I am.. I just bared my heart and soul. You probably still don't care.

"when your love has gone,

you carry on. this is a song for no one."

having been hurt again and again. having fallen in love again & again.

i can honestly say, that it's been a rocky road filled with smiles, laughs, trials and tears.

many times i've thought to give up, but i couldn't.

having bared my heart & soul... being so comfortable but uncomfortable at the same time.

can't help but wish sometimes that we never got into this. wonder what things would be like if we had never been.

but then again, i think of all the wonderful times and i realize that it may have been all worth it.

i have NO IDEA where we are now. so confused. i wish it never got so confusing, and things just stayed simple. i don't even know where all this is coming from 'cos it seems like things were just fine a bit ago.

story of it all. one endless cycle of tears and joy.

rather be abandoned than alone.

i know change only happens to those who take action, but what about when i don't know what actions to take?! i'll admit it now that i feel lost. i don't know how things got this way. i really think that whoever is out there is trying to test me by throwing all these curveballs at me... and i know that sitting here and crying about it isn't going to do anything. the truth is, i haven't felt so sad, lost or misunderstood in a long time. i haven't cared so much to be understood for awhile either. i've came to believe that if i know who i am and what i stand for then that is all that matters. however, there comes times where it feels like it's me against the world and it's easy to fall victim to what others say or think.

i'm trying really hard to be a good person. i know that nobody is perfect, although many times i wish i was.

but then again if i were perfect, i'm sure that would give many more reasons to hate me.

God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can, & the wisdom to know the difference.

Just for today, amen.

what is that you wanted?

you think you got me so confused. but ya know.. i'm just a girl tryna do my own thing.. live my life and find what's good in it. you think that you can just walk back in and things are just gonna be the same, but i got news for ya.. it ain't. i may get confused, but i'm no fool..& i'm not gonna do things the way that anyone else do.

you think you're different? we're all different.

and i am glad as fuck--definitely not the same as you.

if you think this is about you...

you're probably right.

hahaha. ohhh the irony.

when everyone turns away.

i wish that people would be there for me as much as i try to be there for others, but i guess i really can't rely on anybody. okay.. that's not true, but the truth is there are times the whole world seems to turn its back on you. and when that happens, your mind has to be prepared. it's not that i'm afraid to be alone. i'm pretty sure i've learned to be on my own at times and it's not that bad. of course i'd rather have a companion, but that's not always an option.

i'm pretty sure i spent half of my coachella on my own. i didn't really mind it much, until the sun went down and then i think i got kinda scared. i'm just a lil girl! but yeah.. i know i'm jumping around a lot... lots on my mind.

home is supposed to be a place where you feel the most comfortable. isn't it? that's why people say they miss "home" or to make yourself feel at "home." but what happens when home becomes a place you want to run from, or the last place that you want to be?

don't tell me you know what i'm going through.

you have absolutely no idea.

this isn't about you.

this is about me. i won't make the same mistake twice. what i need is to find myself... not find out who you think i am. i want to know myself.. if you want to know me too, then that's up to you. this is my dream. my movie. my story. let's not get it twisted. there will be bumps, there will be fuck-ups, mishaps and mistakes... however, i'll try not to get so discouraged. this is my life. it will be the way i want it to be.

"who wants to be riding high

when you'll just crumble back on down.

you give up everything you are,

& even then, you don't end up far.

they make believe that everything

is exactly what it seems

but at least when you're at your worst,

you know how to feel things."

just because.

In the words of Common, "If I don't like it, I don't like it.. that don't mean that I'm hatin."

If I talk to you and am friendly with you, it does not mean that I want to go out with you. Just because I am nice to you at first, does not mean I want to talk to you forever or all the time or at any time. I may decide not to place myself around you anymore or talk to you anymore; however, I do not feel like this is me "playing games."

It's so interesting quickly someone can just assume they know you through so many first impressions. How could you even begin to "know" ME through my blog, facebook, twitter, my clothes, aim, text.. if you have never even attempted to SPEAK to me? Communication is so flawed nowadays, but I guess that's just the way we do now. I'll admit I've fallen into this, but it's something to think about.

(For myself.)

Maybe to others, it may seem that nothing has changed... but to me, a lot has. I feel so different than the way I felt a year ago. I really didn't give a fuck. I feel like I was at such a low that it didn't matter. Although I know I'm not at my "prime" or whatever, I'm not judging myself on how long it's taking me to grow up. We all learn things on our own time, and I'm just doing me! So yeah, anyone out there...if you're trying to change anyone, maybe you should take a fine look at yourSELF because that is the only person you really have full control over. And if you can't love yourself, then you can't love anybody.

BY THE WAY. who the fuck is from MENTONE?! where the fuck is that anyways. Thanks for super creepin on my blog all the time.. lmao. Reveal yourself!

who are you?

I used to think that going out as much as possible was a measure of how great or cool of a person I was. Thankfully, I've grown out of that.

You may think everybody is your friend; however, if you have no clue who you are at the end of the day without the help of others-- You are just as lost as you pretend not to be.

"I can't come down.. even if you wanted me to."

<3

stay humble.

sometimes it seems as if i have everything under control. i start to think that everything is working out. i become overly excited and forget what it's like to feel down. i start feeling all high & mighty, like i'm on the top of the world.

but then...

something happens. something doesn't go my way. things may seem like they're starting to crumble. i feel confused again.

wasn't it just last week that i was feeling so confident?

and right now i feel as if there was never anything different.

humility.

even when things get better than good, it's still important to remember what i did to get to where i am.

one step at a time. i can figure out where i am and where i'm going again.

life is a journey, not a destination.

where is my head?

it shouldn't be like this and i'm really annoyed at myself that it is.

every time i think i got it all handled... i feel like i'm actin like a fool.

why do i even care? i thought things were cool.

i most definitely think too much and it is a proooooblem!

i must submerse myself into everything else besides THIS.

ohhhhh! this is embarrassing!

stress.

lowercaselock.

just when you think you know just where you're gonna go.. life turns on you and makes you to find other directions. it's all part of the learning process... the one that i don't always want to go through. why must we always learn the hard way? sometimes it takes f o r e v e r to learn. there are so many things that i've thought i've learned... but really i just forgot it the second i thought i learned it. HA. sound familiar?

so the sad story is we might lose, get hurt, trampled on or laughed at.

but eventually,

we'll learn all that we need to know to have our own happy ending.

t a k e y o u r t i m e .

perfectionist.

i'm pretty sure we all would love to be perfect.. maybe some more than others. i wonder what would happen if everything was perfect. would we be happy or bored? would it really be perfect, or do we even really know what perfect is? i'm pretty sure perfect is relative, just like anything else in life. what is good? what is bad? everyone has their own answers.

i do believe in perfect moments though. times where everything seems to be exactly how i want. i disagree with those who say perfection doesn't exist. i believe that perfection takes time, and that it may not ever last forever... but it is what it is.

perfect could turn into disaster, but that shouldn't discredit what you thought it was.

nothing is permanent. change is constant.

perfect > disaster > perfect > disaster = life.

"no i'll never come back down, down from here."

<3

words to live by.

if we spend our whole lives rushing to get to the next thing, we're gonna end up old and wishing that we took the time appreciate the little things in life like the sunshine & the butterflies. live in the moment, prepare for the future, and learn from the past. feel the music, dance to the music, live in the music. make each day count; find out who you are: accept it & love it. be who you want to be, do what you want to do. forget what everyone expects, do the unexpected and enjoy every second of it.

who says FML still? no no no. it's 2010. LML!!

" there will come a time in your life where you will ask yourself a series of questions... am i happy with who i am ? am i happy with the people around me ? am i happy with what i'm doing ? am i happy with the way my life is going ? do i have a life ? or am i just living ? do not let these questions restrain or trouble you. just point yourself in the direction of your dreams. find your strength in the sound... and make your transition. "

<3

the only one you'll fool is yourself.

i'll start with the conclusion:
i don't know everything.

good things happen to the people that believe that they will.
I crrrrave simplicity.
but all i get back is complexity.
complexsimplicity always gettin' the best of me.


hey, 3 months til i turn 20! i'm still a lil kid. lol. i'm learning though.

<3
there's hope for the hopeless.

irrelevance.

thoughts become scarce and therefore become irrelevant,

but you and i know better.

who is it i'm talking about?

i don't know either.

i remember a time when i used to feel so sure, but now it's turn to less than going with the flow.. but jumping from place to place & not knowing exactly where to go. why does everybody else have an idea?

i have an idea, but i keep getting lost.

i thought i could help you. you thought you could change me.

they said if you love something, let it go.

i don't know about that. seems pretty stupid sometimes.

what do i know?

honestly...

i don't know what i'm even looking for.

i just know that i haven't found it yet, or i wouldn't feel like this.

i wouldn't feel like things just aren't right. i do realize that things happen and things change; but, why am i just not informed sometimes? it seems like i am just smacked in the face with the fact that things are different, and i didn't get the memo. am i just a stone sitting in the currents getting tossed along and shaped as i go? what if i don't want that? a stone can't move. that's how i feel. why have i felt so stuck?

i don't want to feel stuck anymore; but, it's so hard to pull myself out.

it seems like every time i try to pull myself out, i get pulled back into the currents.

* * * *

you know what i hate the most? crying. ever since i got back from cross creek, i feel like all i do is CRY. CRY CRY. cry about the littlest damn things. why am i so fucking sensitive? i mean, a good cry is nice once in a while... but i'm really over crying about the same thing all the time.

/endvent.

what is anyone really thinking?

nobody ever really knows.

sometimes, my thoughts go so quickly. i forget before i even can try to remember.

sometimes i think that it's better that way.

giver.

how much do you give until you give too much?

i hadn't even thought i crossed the line.

seems as if there's such a fine line between selfish and selfless.

it's not even just material things.. the things that money can and can't buy.

i thought i tried to give it all. but now i'm wondering, why the fuck did i risk it all?

if not all, a lot... just for love.

because i thought,

i think...

that most of the time it's worth it

so, they say...

love can make you do crazy things.

yeah.

the longest drive home.

i can't stop thinking.

things are not the way i want them to be.

they haven't been,

but i've been trying to deal with them.

love can make you feel and do the craziest things.

sometimes i forget who i am now...i thought i knew exactly.

but times like these i feel so, so confused.

and what we're doing seems to be so CRAZY.

i can't help it. i can't change it. things are so different... and not the kind of different i wanted.

it seems as if we pushed it so far for "love."

But what is love?

if it makes others so angry at us for being in "love" then maybe we shouldn't.

we really shouldn't.

it's insane that i should even care about what others think.

im angry because i can't be selfish about the one i love.

im upset because the one that i love can't fight for me.

i'm torn between the one i love and the life i want.

too bad. so sad.