this way.

This is the way things should be.

Endless conversations with my two best friends in the world.
Me+YOU!
La musica.
Highlife.

All the time.



<3

so off.

So im just gonna be completely honest. My life has become so routine and in the worst way ever. I expect everything and nothing that I expect is what I truly want. According to the law of attraction/the secret, I could change this but I can feel my hope&faith fluctuating. I can't see through to him anymore. My days will go just like this:
I try not to think about what has happened.
I try to keep myself busy.

But trying doesn't necessarily mean the action gets done.

A common pattern:
I fall asleep on my bed, with my clothes on, and the lights on.

A common thought:
I wish I never did that, I wish things could go back to the way they were.

A common interest:
Weed and music.

A common saying:
You never know what you really got, till it's gone.


What I say,
Doesn't really mean anything anymore, does it?
Is it just like a first grader reading words?

I was a happy little girl bouncing around.
Now im just a girl with no real smile to be found.


I never thought id grow up to the way I am.
But this is my life and I know I need to take accountability for my choices/responsibility for my actions.





Here I am, a weary heart and trembling hands, waiting for the words to leave your lips.

i feel as if,

a really big part of my life is missing...

on the brightside..!

my car was found, so i'll be getting that back :]

tomorrow.

sigh!

miss you allways.

fuck it.

you know the crossroad between persistence and giving up?

i'm closer to the edge.

i want to hold on so tight to something that i already know is falling apart.

have you ever believed something would work out even when nobody else did?

have you ever told the truth even though everybody else was telling you not to?

they say the truth will set you free but i feel trapped.

i think i subconsciously just love to self-sabotage anything good that happens to me in terms of relationships.

even when it seems different,

i always find a way to make it the same.

i have nothing left for you i guess.

eternal.

wishing this high would last forever;

i love it when we can feel music all around. it tingles through our bodies. we feel it in our veins, pumping through our hearts. our eyes shine. our feet tap. our heads move. we bounce. we smile. we love. lights all around. doot doot doot doo doo. everybody's dreams are coming true.

g       T ?

  e                                        S ?      ?

    t ? ?

      t                               ?

        i O ? ?

          n ? ?

             g               L       ? ?

tearing me apart.

i like to remember the way my life has been...

until the memories start tearing me apart.

i think that sometimes i begin to fall back on the past so much that i wish i was there instead of here. it's normal, right?  when does it come time to come back to reality: the way things really are now? have you ever thought back to one moment.. a few words.. a few seconds.. and wondered if that made all the difference?

i wonder if i went back to the times i wish i could,

if i would really be happy there.

..because don't we only miss things when they're not there anymore?

i look forward to a good cry.

je te laque.

do we have a misunderstanding?

i'm not sure the way we are communicating is the best right now.

the meaning of friends has been brought to my attention.

"friends" is not just a number on your myspace or facebook account.

i hope everyone realizes that by clicking "add as friend" does not qualify you as my friend.

really realizes.

getting fucked up with me every single time we see each other does not count either.

...do we even talk?!

1. you could talk about the same thing over and over and it wouldn't get old.

2. there are those things that we will forever laugh about and never forget.

3. there were those times we'd fight about nothing, but to us it was everything.

to the ones that come in & out of my life;

you say goodbye, i say hellooooo.

i could be oh so very confused, but sometimes i won't notice.

everything comes in waves.

some people like to pretend that nothing ever happened, but it always comes up one way or another.

of course things change;

they never are the same.

they say history repeats itself...

but this isn't a movie.

it never was.

not you & i.

my life is a movie.

the past with you & i has already been erased and rewritten.

but unless maybe we have a future too.

maybe our worlds will collide again someday?

this is not just to you.

(or you)

typing.

Why does it feel like everyone I know is full of shit these days? Everyone is in things for the payoff, not to be friends anymore. Im sick of being used, im sick of feeling like my best friend just talks to me when her other friends aren't around. Im sick of calling people and having them tell me they're too busy and then having them ask me why we hardly hang out. Im sick of it all. Im sick of being sick of everyone since it's not ALL their fault, I know what I did to contribute. Im tired of feeling like I don't know what's going on since my time is so wrapped up in school, Neil, the friends that I still do have, and drugs. Not saying I don't love my life the way it is...but of course there is still the other side. I feel like things aren't the same, haven't been the same, and can't be the same because I no longer see eye to eye. Constant bickering. I've cut off ties with a lot of people and I really am sorry I've had to do it. It's just that im no longer going to stand for bullshit in my life, and the ones that think they can go off thinking they're gonna use me up for all I am, FUCK YOU. Im so fucking serious. I know that's life, suck it up and deal with it..but no. Im not gonna deal with that shit and that is why I cut off half the people that were in my life in the last few months. If you have been around me, you probably know...I can be a bitch, im not perfect. You might even be wondering why the fuck I even bothered to write this. Well, I know behind all my imperfections and flaws, i am a good person. Then, why you ask, would I cut off other people who are just the same...good people, behind it all?

Because they don't give a fuck about me.
And im tired of wasting my time.

So to everyone, anyone...

I am not here to for your benefit only.
I am here to be your friend, if that's what you need, and if you are going to be one too.

bliss.

my life.

in my world;

hate doesn't exist.

people actually want to be friends;

there are no pay-offs.

perfection doesn't exist,

but being the best we can be.

music is always playing.

smiles and laughter take up the majority of the day.

life is never uninteresting.

people are forgiving.

good feelings don't abruptly end by a sudden change of feelings.

love is the root of everything.

you don't always have to be so angry.

you say you're starving artists.

starving for something you don't know about in life yet.

my movie life. life seems so fucking fantastic sometimes.

of course there's those bittersweet moments,

where you wonder why or how your life became this.

everyone's watching.

"i don't give a fuck"

sometimes we get the feeling that we are better than this...

but then we remember why we do it.

<3flutter.

i've been thinking a lot about different people lately.

i know it's normal to reminisce on the way things used to be..

there are highs and lows and everything in between.

there are those people that you know are always going to be there,

the ones that might walk in and out of your life,

or just the ones that come in just for a short time...

& you wonder how & why things played out the way that they did.

there are just some times where i wonder about these things...

but that's normal, right?

will i ever see your face again?

"i haven't been that fucked up in a while."

so, begins the night at a warehouse party in compton where my friends are djing.

i see all my friends & more. even though i don't want to see anyone else. everything is fuzzy and getting fuzzier by the minute. the music. the lights. the people. it was too much to notice when my PHONE drops out of my pocket. this is the second time this has happened! ...but this time i didn't find it. BOOOOOOO. do you know how much of a badtrip that is? after searching on the ground like an idiot for about a total of 30 minutes + i decided that it wasn't worth it and that shit was GONEZOS. i was very sad. but then i just hoped for the best and thought "i hope that person that gets it brings it to good places!" and also, that i didn't even need/want a phone...which is not true because now people cannot get ahold of me and i cannot get ahold of them. what a bust. yeah. so anyways, leave the party at around 2something? almost emptyhanded on the phone, except the homeboy NICK came up on an lx..that's locked. idk what to do with that but i'll figure it out!? went to go drop tray & brittany off. stiiiiill sorta trippin. i hate being lost and without a phone or gps? soooooo whack. fiiiiinally end up in studio city to end off the night right. oh yeah and i fell asleep and they almost left me in there. wwwwwwtf.

hahahaha.

but all in all, last night/this morning was preeeeetty crazy/fun/interesting...

"i haven't been that fucked up in a while."

almost new life.

i've seen this all before;

but this still seems like a different world.

anyways.

i'm excited? i think that's a way to describe it. and also anxious, because this all seems so new/foreign/kinda scary.

anyways.

my mind goes too fast, or too slow nowadays.

i wish some things could stay the same, but i understand change is inevitable.

people grow apart, meet new people, life moves along.

my dad has gotten on my case about smoking again.

i know it's just because he cares but it still annoys me.

oh ya, & he left a note telling me not to smoke cigarettes in mom's car. hah. oops.

i feel like i'm not as skinny as before. but i know that's not true because my pants hardly fit.

this is really random. i'm basically just writing everything on my mind that i need to do.

i need to do laundry.

i need to eat.

i need to clean.

i need to wash my dollhead.

i need to buy new scrubs.

i need to drop off neil's charger.

i need to go see my sissy.

i need _eed.

for some reason,

even though everything's going quite well i'm pretty sure that's what it may seem.

it still feels like something's off.

maybe it's the weather.

something you oughtta know.

there will always be hard times, and people who you wish you could change.

what i've known from my own experience & what i've learned by watching other people is that nobody can change anyone except for themselves.

relax & relapse again.

growing up.

once we've hit the "adult" mark, 18, people seem to have this idea that everything is all gravy and they can do whatever the fuck they want. i know i had that idea almost my entire life. i couldn't wait. "fuck this. when i turn 18, i'm going to get the fuck out of my house because i hate my dad and i'm going to get my own place to live in with my friends and we're gonna have bongs all around the house filled with flowers. we'll just get high all the time!" little did i know, how difficult that is, with the money and everything. );

instead, i end up in LaVerkin, UT on my 18th birthday, and i make the first 'adult' decision of my life to stay in this correctional facility full of people who the majority are full of shit and have already planned their relapse. for me, i thought i was going to make it. i thought i'd stay sober, especially since i stayed for a few months when i turned 18. 

i started college as soon as i came home in august. i stayed sober and away from anyone and anything that had connection to my old life. but, only 2 months after graduation. i started making adjustments to the way i had said i wanted to live my life. 

i will be semi-vague, only because this is the internet and i don't know who the fuck reads this really. but to give you a picture...

5 months later:

i have a broken heart & a broken mind, created a broken household where i ricochet my parents off each other once again to get whatever the fuck i want. i have no job & have dropped out of college because i want a longer break. i feel like i'm entitled to these things. i've run out of money because i blew a thousand dollars on i don't even know what. i have cut off ties with so many good friends and family because of my selfishness and disregard for other people's feelings besides my own. i have stopped caring about pretty much anyone and anything. i haven't been home or sober for more than day or two at a time. i hate my home and anything connected to it. i've lost my car, and don't know where the fuck it's gone. i don't go home for another week. i sleep wherever possible, if i sleep at all.  i am losing weight because i hardly ever have the appetite. i never feel normal. i feel as if my friends are all i have and i have stopped talking to anyone that wants to try to 'help' me. i've lost touch with the world except for my new world of getting fucked up 24/7. i even stop listening to so much music because i forget where my iPod is and the people who i'm friends with hardly have jumped into the pools i've jumped in. i'm getting sick so often and abusing dxm to get rid of it, even if i started to hate dxm the day that i gagged it down and almost threw my insides up in sf in december.

...and i told myself this was the life.

6 months later:

i can finally say

i'm happy with life again.

although i'm still not sober, (because i don't see a problem in getting high everyday or even fucked up once in a while---moderation is key,right?) i am so comfortable with myself again it's ridiculous. i love my life and i feel like things are going in the right direction. i have a great relationship with my mom and starting to with my dad. i know who my friends are, i know who i am without my friends. i am starting cosmetology school tomorrow. i have another car until i get a new one in about a month. i have been listening to & getting the best music. my heart has been mended & i have another reason to smile. (: the sun shines more, too. momma wants to blaze with me because she thinks i'm so fun and responsible. i'm trying to cut down on smoking cigarettes. i see balance. i am semi-productive usually (better than before) & i smile on the daily even if i cry.

this is life.

& i am in love with it.

to everyone i know;

thank you. i know you may not realize that the things you do effect people in even the slightest of ways---good or bad. you may even think i'm weird that i talk or act the way i do. that isn't important to me though. i just hope that you all know the effect you can have on other people. i'm grateful for whatever you've taught me. i am who i am today with assistance from you.

<3y.

ALSO;

back to what i was saying in the very beginning.

EIGHTEEN, TWENTY-ONE, whatever the fuck age you think is important.

IT DOESN'T MEAN SHIT except alcohol and cigarettes.

growing up happens when you actually grow the fuck up.

which means, getting ahold of your life, responsibilities and the way you act towards other people.

RESPECT is a two-way street & not just given out to people that think they're hard. 

you already know that.

HARD13!?

COACHELLA!?

I'll see YOU there!?

I LOVE YOU TOO!