what i've known from my own experience & what i've learned by watching other people is that nobody can change anyone except for themselves.
relax & relapse again.
growing up.
once we've hit the "adult" mark, 18, people seem to have this idea that everything is all gravy and they can do whatever the fuck they want. i know i had that idea almost my entire life. i couldn't wait. "fuck this. when i turn 18, i'm going to get the fuck out of my house because i hate my dad and i'm going to get my own place to live in with my friends and we're gonna have bongs all around the house filled with flowers. we'll just get high all the time!" little did i know, how difficult that is, with the money and everything. );
instead, i end up in LaVerkin, UT on my 18th birthday, and i make the first 'adult' decision of my life to stay in this correctional facility full of people who the majority are full of shit and have already planned their relapse. for me, i thought i was going to make it. i thought i'd stay sober, especially since i stayed for a few months when i turned 18.
i started college as soon as i came home in august. i stayed sober and away from anyone and anything that had connection to my old life. but, only 2 months after graduation. i started making adjustments to the way i had said i wanted to live my life.
i will be semi-vague, only because this is the internet and i don't know who the fuck reads this really. but to give you a picture...
5 months later:
i have a broken heart & a broken mind, created a broken household where i ricochet my parents off each other once again to get whatever the fuck i want. i have no job & have dropped out of college because i want a longer break. i feel like i'm entitled to these things. i've run out of money because i blew a thousand dollars on i don't even know what. i have cut off ties with so many good friends and family because of my selfishness and disregard for other people's feelings besides my own. i have stopped caring about pretty much anyone and anything. i haven't been home or sober for more than day or two at a time. i hate my home and anything connected to it. i've lost my car, and don't know where the fuck it's gone. i don't go home for another week. i sleep wherever possible, if i sleep at all. i am losing weight because i hardly ever have the appetite. i never feel normal. i feel as if my friends are all i have and i have stopped talking to anyone that wants to try to 'help' me. i've lost touch with the world except for my new world of getting fucked up 24/7. i even stop listening to so much music because i forget where my iPod is and the people who i'm friends with hardly have jumped into the pools i've jumped in. i'm getting sick so often and abusing dxm to get rid of it, even if i started to hate dxm the day that i gagged it down and almost threw my insides up in sf in december.
...and i told myself this was the life.
6 months later:
i can finally say
i'm happy with life again.
although i'm still not sober, (because i don't see a problem in getting high everyday or even fucked up once in a while---moderation is key,right?) i am so comfortable with myself again it's ridiculous. i love my life and i feel like things are going in the right direction. i have a great relationship with my mom and starting to with my dad. i know who my friends are, i know who i am without my friends. i am starting cosmetology school tomorrow. i have another car until i get a new one in about a month. i have been listening to & getting the best music. my heart has been mended & i have another reason to smile. (: the sun shines more, too. momma wants to blaze with me because she thinks i'm so fun and responsible. i'm trying to cut down on smoking cigarettes. i see balance. i am semi-productive usually (better than before) & i smile on the daily even if i cry.
this is life.
& i am in love with it.
to everyone i know;
thank you. i know you may not realize that the things you do effect people in even the slightest of ways---good or bad. you may even think i'm weird that i talk or act the way i do. that isn't important to me though. i just hope that you all know the effect you can have on other people. i'm grateful for whatever you've taught me. i am who i am today with assistance from you.
<3y.
ALSO;
back to what i was saying in the very beginning.
EIGHTEEN, TWENTY-ONE, whatever the fuck age you think is important.
IT DOESN'T MEAN SHIT except alcohol and cigarettes.
growing up happens when you actually grow the fuck up.
which means, getting ahold of your life, responsibilities and the way you act towards other people.
RESPECT is a two-way street & not just given out to people that think they're hard.
you already know that.
HARD13!?
COACHELLA!?
I'll see YOU there!?
I LOVE YOU TOO!
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