just for you (:

ysabelleeee: i like jason mraz. thanks for reminding me.

xx17417xx: i like neil belen*

* * * *

willingly taking a break from my life has given me a lot of time to think about things... almost too much. i know that the mind is a scary place to get lost in, but at the same time, i have a lot of time to re-evaluate how i am living (again.) i don't know. i am realizing that i have avoided a lot of things. there are a lot of people and situations i have been dancing around, hoping to just forget about. unfortunately, life doesn't work that way.

i wish i could just go up to everyone and anyone i have avoided and tell them how i really feel, but of course in this world, not everybody sees things the same way.

i don't even know where i'm getting with this.

i am getting lost in my own head again.

peaceful & deserving.

life lesson #2

"The pain back in LIFE LESSON #1 was for your benefit.

You were being taught to breathe,

invited to suck down a yummy oxygen/nitrogen cocktail.

That painful whack was necessary for your growth."

Of course, had you been told this at the time, you still would not have understood with your naive lil' baby mind.

And so it goes for much of the pain in your life. OFten you need to evolve a bit more before you can understand a bit more.

Growing up.

sometimes we don't realize how we affect one another.

of course, just like everyone else, i wish i could have a perfect life. no broken family, no heartbreak or heartache, no nothing. i know i'm not the only one that feels this way, but sometimes i am selfish and i forget that i am not alone. sometimes i wish there was somebody there to always talk to... but this blog is sufficient for right now.

i know that if i didn't meet you then, i would've met you eventually.

you are my destiny.

i feel lame sometimes when i talk about you.

oh well.

<3

how to be happy dammit.

so when i first came home from cross creek, i basically stayed indoors and tried to pretend that the world around me was just a trap back into my old life, which in the end i let it be...but anyways, besides the point, i picked up this book at barnes&nobles. you can find it in the self-help section (; ha ha...you might think that's lame but that just shows how not open you are to self-improvement. anyways, 44 life lessons! it really helped me look at life differently. ~9 months later, i have become a different person... but i am still ysabelle! i've decided to open it back up...

so we'll start from the beginning and i'll just throw these in when i can;;

''life lesson #1

pain exists.

life can hurt.

like a lot.

even when you're good,

you can get whacked.

without apology.

without explanation."

with that being said, my dad and are in a constant battle in my house and i hate it more than anything in the world because i can't fix it, even if i try.

this makes me want to scream,

but i'm doing my best to not take it personal.

one angry entry for the books.

i must be getting my period because i could totally go off right now on how idiotic i think some people are with the way they present themselves and their daily lives. oh puhlease, you wannabe potheads.

oh look, i just did.

please forgive me, i have so much more to say but i guess i should just hold my tongue.

on a different note,

i am going to sleep..because i am craving some sleep.

PS. those who say "not down" trying to get me to feel like i cant hang with you.. grow the fuck up cos you'll never be as up as i am.

when everything begins to fall apart,

i'd rather try and pick up the pieces.

i'm not one for broken anything, if you know what i mean.

i know people may think that once something's broken you can't go and re-fix it...

but i am a firm believer in putting things back together--especially when it comes to family.

i know all my family wants is for me to be successful and live a wonderful life,

because who doesn't want that for themselves and their offspring?

but what i want, is for me to want things for myself.

i don't want to be doing things for my parents, let alone anyone else, for the rest of my life.. i know i'll get sick of it. i already have!

so today i went out and picked up job applications with brittany. i am going to fill them out tomorrow or within this week and go to Goldenwest to apply tomorrow.

i know my life has been ups and downs since i got home in august. it is much more than i thought i ever signed up for coming back into reality and the same, but different environment.

anyways yeah, one day i want to write it all out...but the unfortunate thing is, i don't think i remember all of it.

i love my life though. and i've been thanking whoever is out there insanely.

i am a lucky girl.

trying to get my life on track, once more.

i appreciate all of my friends who respect me and what i'm trying to do whenever i do..

forrrr real.

all.of.you.

oh yes, and he does bring a nice, big smile to my face! [:

:D

simple concepts that i forget.

friendships.

it isn't hard to be a friend, i think it's hard for me to stay in friendships. sometimes i dwell a lot in what the other friend is doing wrong but most likely i am fucking up just as much. what i probably could do instead, is say how i feel about what they do...but instead i keep to myself, so when i do tell them, they're all confused.

i know i need to change this.

have you ever felt like what you're thinking is out of the ordinary and there is no way ever in hell that somebody else could actually think the same?

but then you find one, and it is utterly mind blowing that they are actually thinking and saying the same things as you.

you are not alone, trust me.

we all think we are alone in this world, but the truth is we were born with other people and meant to be friends with each other. we weren't born to fight or be separate. we were each born a unique individual, to shine our insight of life on one another.

when i read something and it really sticks,  i am so grateful that somebody was able to capture the exact feeling i have been trying to describe.

i know i had more to say, a lot more. but i lost it all in my sleep. hopefully i'll recover it sooner than later and i can share it with you all.

you all, as in, whoever you are.

* * * *

love.

i was thinking about love the other day and how it's hard to believe i've ever really been in love because i don't think i even know what love is, let alone how to describe it. how is it possible? can somebody tell me what it is? i've heard sayings, i'm pretty sure that's what they show in movies...but how do i KNOW? i thought i was, i think i am...sometimes. but i don't know.

and as for that term 'you've got to show me love.'

how are people supposed to show her?

i am being completely serious. is this stupid? i don't care. i want to know.

i've got a whole lot of nothing to talk about.

i know i update this shit a lot; this is what you're signing up for when you come here.

you are everything you are, nothing at all.

* * * *

i don't see how people get the impression that it is okay to just pretend like nothing has happened. Why do I always fall for this type? I'm just wondering. An old friend im'd me this morning and it got me thinking about life and the people that come and go. It's not often that I think about all of this because there's so many people that I talk to that I hardly talked to and that I don't talk to that I always talk to. It's funny how that all works out, or doesn't. I really miss some of the people I used to talk to, and wonder where they are in their lives now. I wonder if they're happy, if things are going well for them, or if they have changed (hopefully for the better!) I wonder, for a second, if people think the same things about me. Maybe they are like me, reminiscing over everything ever so carefully, pondering why things turned out the way they did. Or maybe, they've forgotten already...they don't even remember. Sometimes I wish I could forget. But then I remember, this is who I am. All of these little moments, arguments, good trips, bad trips, heartbreaks and heartaches... have molded me into who I am right this second. So now, I just hope that when somebody thinks of me and how I have affected their life...they think good things. Even though, I know I've done some fucked up shit in my life that I know people will and do talk shit about. Just as I see the good in everything, I hope they do too. Enough rambling. I'm going to go shower and start my day with mjay.

stay up, stay healthy! life is beautiful.

<3