from the notes of my sidekick.

1/22
"...and i thought i knew it all, i still dont.
because i tell myself things are always fine,
even if things are crashing and falling all around.
i didn't care.
past became present. past became future."

"of course now, i realize why you were the way you were."

"and everything goes faster,
as you start to slow down,
he looks over to her,
and she hits the ground--running, running..
away from him,
doing the same thing he did to her.
goodbye lover.
it's too late.
maybe i'll see you another day."

1/27
"that's a pessimistic thought. life can be simple."

1/28
"i can think clearly,
until your fading face falls into my memory.
and then the light goes out.
i can't tell if it's your presence that i'm lacking,
or the way it used to be.
you didn't introduce me to this world.
this is the world as i know it now.
you wouldn't even understand me anymore,
since i hardly understand myself anymore.
i'm not the person i used to be.
but then again,
neither are you."

"sometimes it starts to seem like you have lost control.
but you have no idea anymore.
so, you say it's nothing--and then you start all over again."

"a girl lays on the ground, painting pictures in her head of times when things could be remembered. she thinks to herself how alone she is in the way she thinks, feels, and even breathes. every breath taken in so slow, and exhaled at a steady pace. it's almost 5 am; she racks her brain of how her life has spun wildly out of control. but just as the thoughts come, they are released like bottles in the ocean. she says to herself, 'one more line and im done.' so she pops a pill and smokes her life away...bad trip? no. this is reality."

"i'm not crazy! i just like to have fun!"

1/30
"i, sometimes, don't want to be around myself because i feel like i don't know who i am anymore. i can't tell if i'm sober or not. i sometimes forget where i am or about all the people who are trying to contact me and ask me where i am. i don't know what to tell them. i might be on the brink of insanity.. or maybe i'm already there."

"it would be painful to die right now.
i hope we're almost there."


"i want someone to get me.
but nobody gets me."




so much of you, still, no matter where i go.